it's what makes me...me

so...SO ready

2012-02-02T21:18:00.006-07:00

oh man i'm feeling so ready for this baby to come. it's like the only think i think about...day and night. the past 4 nights i have even dreamt about him. last night i guess the dream wasn't really about him, but i was getting my epidural, and suddenly i awoke, and my back hurt like the dickens in the very spot i would actually be receiving an epidural. it's from this couch i'm telling ya...and not just the couch, but having to sleep sitting up on the couch. it's starting to really wear on me...and especially on my poor back. after that experience last night, i thought hey, maybe i'll move onto the floor and just start sleeping there like john. and then i came to my senses and realized that that would defeat the whole purpose of leaving our beloved bed in the first place, and that was to be able to sleep at a 90 degree angle. if i were to move to the floor...why not just move back to the bed?
so yeah, my back is definitely ready for this baby to come. my belly too. it's seriously about to pop. not only does it look like it's about to pop, but it feels that way too. plus it hangs out of about every shirt that i own. i finally just started calling myself gus gus for fun.
so my back is ready. my belly is ready. i'm sure my children are more than ready. let's just put it this way...i haven't been the most patient of mothers the past few days and weeks. i'm just uncomfortable and irritable, and unfortunately, they're having to bear the brunt of it...poor things. i'm sure they're more than ready to have their "real" mommy back.
the house is ready. as i mentioned before, i've been nesting like crazy and i literally feel like every single thing is done inside this house...and yet, everyday i stay busy...cleaning, and then re-cleaning...organizing, and then re-organizing. it's weird. i mean, is it really necessary to scrub the toilets every day?
i've primmed and primped in every way imaginable. i got my hair did, and my fingers and toes. i've been waxed, and eyelashed. it may seem a bit ridiculous, but there are so many things about your body you can't control during pregnancy, so why not take advantage of a few that you can? plus i had about 5 or 6 groupons that were burning a hole in my pocket, so i figured...hey, what better time to use them than now?
with so many things being ready and in place and lined up for our baby jude to enter the world, you'd think he'd be here already, right? if only it were that easy. i think the one thing that definitely is not ready, is my crazy, indecisive cervix. right now it's so high that the doctors can hardly find it...and when they finally do, it's only barely to a one...on the outside. still completely closed on the inside. it's so weird how we do everything we can to keep these babies from coming too early (like getting stitches in our dang cervixes), but then when it's time, and it's safe and everything is ready (like getting the stitches removed...ouch! by the way) then our sweet babies decide they're not ready to come. too bad jude, ready or not you're coming on monday. that actually gives me 3 more days to scrub toilets, fold linens, steam floors, wash mirrors...or whatever else i feel needs to be done for the umpteenth time.
one thing i know that i'm ready for, and i feel like i've been ready for this for years now, is to finally meet my sweet baby boy. to hold him. to love him. to lay him on my chest and feel his little heart beat against mine. to look into his eyes. to study the lines on his toes and the joints of his perfect little fingers. to kiss the top of his head. and smell his baby soft skin. and then to never, ever, ever let him go.
i have never been more ready. i am so...SO ready for that.

a whole lot of love

2012-01-30T14:21:00.009-07:00

dear jude,
today my heart is full. it's full of something called love. now, although i have always considered myself to be a hopeless romantic, i do not claim, by any means, to be an expert on love. i simply wanted to share a beautiful story of love that has affected me (and you, although you may not be aware of it) immensely. first i feel it necessary to mention the greatest display of Love in the history of the world. and that was the love given by our Savior, who came to earth and layed down His own life for us...for His friends. He was perfect in every way, but to submit to the will of the Father and His plan, our Savior died for us. think about that. he willingly died for us to fulfill His Father's plan. love, my dear jude, well, it is a verb. it requires action. love is all about doing, and being, and demonstrating, and sacrificing. today i want to share with you another example of love, which like the Savior's Love (although on a much smaller scale) has altered and transformed me. and that is the Love demonstrated on a daily basis by your very own earthly father - my husband - who just so happens to be the most Christlike person i have ever known. i feel it important to tell you about him, especially because in the short span of a week, you will be meeting him, and then you will also be on the receiving end of his most perfect and pure love.
this pregnancy has not been easy on me, to say the least. i in no way blame you for this...it's just that for some women (i'd say most women), pregnancy is super, super difficult. your father understands this, and has been completely supportive and helpful for the past 9 months. he takes care of cooking (or picking up) all the meals...because it's always around dinner time that i feel the worst. he cleans the house, does laundry, and makes late night runs to satisfy my cravings. when i get sick, he's right there, rubbing my back, and holding the hair out of my face. he's backed out of many church meetings, work trips, outings with friends, sporting events, and other important obligations, to be able to tend to my needs, and be there for me when i felt my head was just barely above water. he tells me he loves the way that i look...even though, at present, i know i resemble a walrus. but you know what? when he says, man, you're beautiful, or dang, i love the way you look when you're pregnant, i really believe him. because your dad also happens to be the most genuine and sincere person i know. almost every night he puts your brother and sister to bed...a task which involves bathing them, helping them brush their teeth, get into their jammies, read scriptures, a bedtime story of their choice, and family prayer...and he singlehandedly does this so that i can have a little break. he rubs my belly with cocoa butter when it itches, he massages my feet when they're swollen, and is nothing but patient with my grumpy and hormonal mood swings. he has never, no not once, uttered a word of complaint. your dad is not a complainer. he puts on a smile, and he gets to work serving, going, doing, and sacrificing...always putting the needs of others above his own. now that, my sweetheart, is true love. this entire pregnancy i have suffered with severe heartburn, but for the past month or two, it has become almost unbearable. i am on two prescription medications for it, and pop the tums like they're going out of style...yet i still can't seem to find any relief. about a month ago, i told your dad that i had decided to start sleeping on the couch to see if it might make a difference. i felt bad having to leave him alone, but i also knew i wouldn't last one more night in our bed. something had to change. so my first night on the couch, i noticed that your dad was setting up a bed as well.

he told me that wherever i sleep, that's where he sleeps too. after about three weeks of sleeping on the couch, his back started to become stiff and extremely sore. i begged him to just go back to our bed, but instead he moved his sleeping bag onto the floor right by me...and that's where he's been ever since. i am constantly in awe of the man that i married. and i wanted to be sure to share a thing or two with you about your father. no doubt as you grow and get older, you will come to this realization on your own. someday you will find yourself a wife, and it's my hope and prayer, that you care for her just as your father has cared for me, and for you, and for your brother and sister. look to him as an example. follow in his footsteps. show love to those around you through your actions; and you, no doubt, will be as happy as your daddy is...because isn't he about the happiest person you know?

finally, i wish to express my undying love for you.
we love you jude...without ever having met you, your father and i love you deeply and immensely. i hope we can demonstrate that love to you all the days of your life, and that you will never ever doubt how special you are...how immeasurably you are cherished and esteemed...by me, by your father, your siblings, your Heavenly Father, your Savior, and hundreds and thousands of others. now that, my dear, is a whole lot of love.

can't wait to meet you, and love on you. just one more week.
-mom

nesting

2012-01-30T00:24:00.004-07:00

john made me go to bed tonight at 9:35. our whole family has been sick, and so were doing all we can to get this household healthy before our sweet baby boy comes. so rather than wind down to a netflix like we oftentimes do, or stay up til midnight or 1 am organizing drawers and closets, we went to bed. john was out the instant his head hit the pillow, and unfortunately, i wasn't the least bit sleepy. so i lie there in the dark listening to my husband snore softly, the dog snore softly, and the tick tocking of the three or four clocks we have around these parts of the house. that kind of strange silence, well, it's enough to drive a girl crazy. i popped one of my trusted klonopin (anti-anxiety/ sleeping pills), and i'd say within a half hour, i was out...only to wake again 2 hours later. all i could think about when i woke, was wanting to scrub my baseboards. it's 12:25 am..and my only desire is to have clean baseboards. and the funny thing is, they've already been scrubbed...i just wanted to do them again is all. i decided to blog instead. it's seriously so crazy to me...this whole nesting instinct that expectant mothers get. i wasn't sure it was actually going to happen for me this time around. up until about 3 or four weeks ago, i was probably the laziest person on the planet. this pregnancy has literally drained me, and all i've wanted to do for the majority of it, is sleep. i've had no desire to cook or to clean, or even to be crafty or domestic...things i usually enjoy. i don't know if it's my age that's made everything so much harder this go around...i mean i am just a couple months from the big 35, folks. whatever it is...whatever it was, i'm glad it's over, and that i have my energy back. i still feel lousy, don't get me wrong. it hurts to roll over at night. it hurts to walk. i'm huge, and i'm sore, and swollen...and gosh darnit, my whole body aches...but i am so grateful that at least for the time being, i've got my energy back.
it started about 4 saturdays ago. john and i have been gearing up for another garage sale. we usually have one about ever two or three years...and they're always successful - bringing in anywhere from $800 to $2,500. so for the past year i'd say, we've been saving things - things we normally would have gotten rid of - for the sale. and everything we've been collecting, has gone straight to the garage. it got to the point where we just started throwing things out there...and before too long...our poor vehicles no longer had a place to call home. our junk was starting to take over. a few months ago i purchased some clothing racks from a consignment store, and began getting all the kids' clothes ready to sale, but other than that, the garage just looked like a hot mess (for lack of a better description). so about a month ago, on a saturday morning, john and i woke up, and ventured out there together. we had no intention of organizing it, and to be honest, thoughts of preparing for our sale were the furthest from our minds. i think we just went out there to find a tool, or the ladder, or something to complete a project that we had been working on inside. we were both so frustrated that we couldn't even move without tripping over something, or walk without having to step over several things, or find a dang thing...like a ginormous ladder, for one. we honestly, had had enought! and it seemed like such a daunting task - tackling that beast to get ready for a garage sale, plus during the past few months, i had started getting rid of some of the nicer things on Craig's list...making somewhere around $3,500...so honestly, even if we had made close to that on the remaining items...those gross, infecting items that were overtaking our beloved garage, it wouldn't have been worth it to me. "let's take it all away" i said, somewhat surprising myself. to which john replied "ok". we raised the garage door....something we haven't done in months for fear of scaring our neighbors right on out of the hood, and began loading up the armada. john lowered all the seats, and we started just piling it all in. he took not one, not two, but three trips to the goodwill that day...and man oh man, did it feel awesome. liberating, in fact. our garage still looked like trash, but it was a good feeling knowing how much we had actually gotten rid of. i think that first saturday, four weeks ago, sparked something in me, and i began going crazy. i started cleaning out closets and drawers, cabinets and cupboards, dressers and toy bins, storage bins and tubs. it was the best feeling. and i wasn't just organizing, i was clearing things out...purging like i've never purged before. and then i started cleaning, and organizing, and repairing things that had been rendered useless for months, and tackling things like the baseboards and blinds (both of which i absolutely loathe). for the next three saturdays, i had heaps and piles of things ready for john to haul away...(those goodwill workers know him on a first name basis, i'm sure)). so far we've taken 8 full loads to the goodwill, and i'm already building a pile for the 9th. the kids' playroom is completely clean and organized...their bedroom too. the house has been scrubbed from top to bottom. our bedroom is no longer the catch all, but actually looks like a real live bedroom (it lacks in the decorating department...as do most the rooms in our house, but at least it's decent and inviting). the baby stuff has been washed, folded, and put away. the crib and changing table are set up. the nursery is painted, all the linens in the house have been washed. the carpets have been professionally cleaned, and i can honestly say that i now know where every single item in the house is...down to the very last screw and safety pin. it's nice to have a place for everything...with everything in it's place. there are still a few things i'd like to get done, but i feel so good about what we've accomplished in the last four weeks, that if baby were to come tomorrow, i'd feel ready. like we would be bringing him home...and not to just any home, but to a clean and organized home...a haven...where he would feel welcomed and loved...(and i'd never have the fear of losing him in a pile of junk). but dear baby...dear sweet baby, don't come tomorrow, ok? i keep thinking i need to redo those baseboards...plus i have a load or two of wash i'd like to catch up on. just at least give me another day, will ya? better yet, let's just wait til your scheduled induction date of feb. 6th...that gives me a whole week to tie up those few loose ends. does that sound like a deal?
and by the way, i can't wait to meet you. i think you're really gonna like it here. it's 2 am now, and i think we had better get some rest, don't you? goodnight, my little bird.
love, your crazy nesting mother.

still learning a thing or two from mom...

2012-01-10T22:38:00.008-07:00

just a few days ago i blogged about ruby and her unruly behavior the morning she was supposed to dress up for her school's "team day". writing about that really got me thinking about my little ruby and the struggles that we've been having pretty much on a daily basis. she has always been such an easy child. a contented and lively baby. a happy and good-natured toddler. she's never given us a moment's grief. she loves to snuggle and give kisses...to smile and laugh. she loves people and people love her. she makes everyone around her feel special. in fact, everywhere we go, and in everything she does, people are drawn to her...and it's always been that way (remember, this is my blog, so i totally have bragging rights). i volunteered to help in her class yesterday, and was talking with her teacher while all the children went out to recess. she told me about how sweet and kind ruby is at school, how all her classmates adore her, and how the entire faculty and staff love her, too. she said that being cute will only get you so far, but that ruby's also kind and helpful, considerate and friendly. it made me feel good to hear her teacher say those things about her. of course, i feel that way about her....i'm her mother, and i have always have felt that there is something uniquely special about her. she's my precious little gem - my ruby. i like to think that Heavenly father blessed us with this perfect little jewel after he took our isaac home. she's like my shining ray of sunshine after a terrible, terrible storm. i share all of this only because it baffles my mind as to why the two of us have been having so many stormy mornings together as of late.and, sadly, it has everything to do with what she wants (or doesn't want) to wear.dumb. huh? i haven't ever been the type of mom to force her to wear something; it's just that, up until now, she has always been happy about my suggestions, and only on occasion has she deviated from what i have given her to wear. and, to be honest, that has never bothered me. i actually think it's cute from time to time, to see what she comes up with, and what, according to her, makes her look and feel the most beautiful. to illustrate my point (about her compliance and even excitement with regard to my clothing selections for her), i posted 10 pictures. these were taken back at the beginning of the school year when the children were asked to wear a specific color (varying each day) for two weeks. we (i) had to get pretty creative with several of the outfits (as you can tell from the photos) to be able to comply and participate in the suggested activity. but each day, she was up for putting on anything, and i mean anything i handed her to wear (as ridiculous as it was), and even left the house each morning with a smile on her face. it's amazing to me how drastically things have changed just in the last few months. she now hates leggings, jeggings, skinny jeans, skirts, dresses, cardigans, headbands, hair bows, sandals, dressy flats, boots...anything with lace or ruffles...and the list goes on and on. maybe it would be easier, rather than listing the things she hates, to tell you what she loves.she loves t-shirts, saggy baggy-bum jeans, and keds. she loves her hair straight (and when her hair is straight, it just looks stringy and unkempt), or pulled back into a messy ponytail, or sectioned off in the front so she can do one of her fancy twists (or braids, as she likes to call them). yes, she is already into fixing her own hair, too. i feel like she she has completely lost her adorable and unique sense of style (or maybe it was just my adorable and unique sense of style). gone are the days that i could lay out a pair of blue skinny jeans, paired with a coral and cream stripped tank (with a giant gold sequin anchor on the front - i might add), a patterned cardi, and a pair of suede moccasin boots, and see her face light up while she would dress herself in the mornings. now, even the mere suggestion that she wear something like that, causes her to burst into tears. and then there was yesterday. such a heartbreaking day for me. i have finally begun nesting (and i'm so thrilled about it because i wondered if i might skip this stage altogether with this pregnancy...up until about a week ago, i just wasn't feeling it), and ruby and i were going through her closet and dresser. i decided why torture her any longer? if she's not going to wear this stuff, then it best not be taking up precious space...space which we just plain don't have in this house.sadly, and by her own choice, we pretty much got rid of everything. broke my heart.some of the things she had only worn once, and a few not even at all. she also got rid of some of her new christmas clothes, which she promised me she loved, and would totally wear...then went ahead and pulled off and threw away the tags, only to have one look in the mirror, and decide they weren't her style after all. i could tell she was trying to make me happy by holding on to certain things, despite her disdain for said items. for example, i would hold up a shirt or a skirt, and she would look at it, cringe, and then say, well, i guess i could keep it...it would be something i could wear on valentine's day maybe? because it's red? or well, i think i'll hang on to those leggings because i could wear them next time i have a singing performance (which isn't until may), or...maybe that would be something cute for st. patrick's day? my favorite was when i held up a pair of army green military style shorts (my very favorite of all her shorts), and she said...ok, i'll save those, but only for when i go hunting. i was dying. hunting? anyone who knows us, knows that we're not hunters...like even at all. i wouldn't even call ourselves campers, or outdoors men of any sort. just picturing my 5 year old, clad in army green shorts, tip-toeing through the forest with a 12 gauge semi-auto shot gun strapped across her shoulder...makes me laugh. save the shorts for when i go hunting...oh ruby. well, i guess at least she'd be a stylin' huntress...rather than the picky kindergartner she has become.

brown day...pink and grey day

red day...yellow day

purple day...rainbow day

black and white day...green day

blue day...orange day

see how happy she is in these photos? yeah well, now she wouldn't be caught dead in any of these outfits (and to be honest, i can't say that i blame her on a few of them...like i said, we had to stretch our creativity pretty good on some of these)...

and even if she had a change of heart, it wouldn't matter, because as of yesterday, i don't think she she even owns anything you see pictured above

(well except for maybe the green outfit...she's saving that one special for st patrick's day).

i know i've done a lot of venting in this post.

truth is, this is really our only issue at present...

and if i can just let go of my pride and allow her to be uniquely her,

well, i just know we'll both be so much happier.

plus i have to remind myself that in 7th grade, i had rats nest bangs that stood stiff as a board and 7 feet in the air...

and my mom never said a word about it (at least to me).

in hindsight, i wish that she had.

but my point is, she bit her tounge, and let me be me.

i guess i still have a thing or two i could learn from my mother.

even after being gone 14 years, she still has an influence on me.

i'm so grateful for that, she was such a gem of a woman (a lot like my gem of a daughter) -

whom everyone absolutely loved and adored -

and i highly doubt her wardrobe had very much (if anything) to do with that.

i mean, my mom was the queen of culottes (when culotte's were anything but cool),

yet she was still highly respected and revered.

and i don't know a soul who didn't absolutely adore her...culottes and all.

spirit days...

2012-01-06T16:32:00.001-07:00

we all remember them, right? backwards day, pajama day, crazy hair or sock day? i have the best memories from my elementary childhood of those fun spirit days. and i always got WAY into them, too. surprise, surprise.
today was "team day" or "sports day" at ruby's school. to be quite honest, we had forgotten about it until last night...right before bedtime. and of course, being the girly girl that she is...we didn't have a thing for her to wear. come to think of it, she has a pink "my first diamondbacks" tee, but it's probably a size 12 months. ha. so john, being the wonderful husband and dad that he is, offered to take her to walmart to pick out some sort of team paraphernalia that she could use for today. she came home all excited about her new sun devils t-shirt, and went to bed ashappy as a crazed sports' fanatic who's favorite team had just won the super bowl. plus, she had just lost another tooth, so she was pretty stoked about the tooth fairy bringing some loot.

she woke up happy and excited, not only about her money and note from the tooth fairy,

but also to show some school spirit by getting all dressed up in her new "sporty" outfit.

unfortunately, one look in the mirror, and it was instant tears.

she hated her t-shirt.

she hated that it was baggy and her jeans were tight.

she hated the long-sleeved white shirt that her dad had suggested she wear underneath.

she not only hated, but absolutely loathed the braids that i put in her hair.

she was completely hysterical about everything, but it was too late to do anything about it,

as the bell would be ringing in just minutes.

in an attempt to add something feminine to the ensemble,

i hurried and combined her two french braids into a ponytail at the bottom, and added a ribbon.

she cried even harder.

i hated having to push my kindergartner out the door in that kind of emotional state,

but we were completely out of time to do anything about it;

and to be honest...her dad and i were pretty irritated.

as she was getting into the car, still in hysterics, i yelled out the front door to her

"fine ruby, just have mrs. davis take it out and put it in a ponytail for you".

and then they drove out of sight.

i wasn't sure she had heard me, so i ran inside and sent her teacher a quick email

(unsure whether she'd even see it before the end of the day).

within just minutes i got her reply...

"We already handled it! She seems fine now and it's absolutely no big deal...happy to make her feel better, she's the best!"

so apparently ruby had heard me, and wasted absolutely no time at all in asking for mrs. davis' help in taking her hideous hairstyle out.

i couldn't help but laugh.

when she got home today, her hair was hanging down in her face...stringy and straight.

"well i see that mrs. davis helped you take your hair out"?

"yeah" she said, with a little smirk.

and then i asked "so did she say, ruby, you should leave it in...it looks so cute on you"?

"No! she just tore that thing out so fast...it's like she thought it was really ugly, too"!

haha.

oh ruby, you are hilarious...

and i'm still completely baffled as to why on crazy hair day you were chomping at the bit to get out the door to school, but today i literally had to throw you out?

i am completely perplexed by your sense of style.....and also a bit nervous for your teenage years.

so be honest, would you be happier about going out in public with the hairdo on the left...or the one on the right?
and now can you see why my five year old confuses the heck out of me?

24 days til christmas

2012-01-05T13:11:00.002-07:00

i figured i better at least write down all the activities that we did in december...before my pregnancy brain consigns it all to oblivion. i probably won't document too much about each activity in this post...that way, i will be forced to take some time later to really highlight the super fun things that we did - things that would definitely be worth repeating...and maybe even become our own little family's christmas traditions (at least that's my plan). several of the things we did, we probably would have done (or wanted to do) anyway, but this advent activity helped me to feel more organized and on top of things...and ensured that we got it all in.
so without further ado, i present to you -
our 24 days til christmas...

december 1st - open a new christmas book which you'll find under the tree. (dad read this to the children while i was gone at our ward's relief society christmas dinner).

december 2nd - open a new christmas movie to watch with dad (again, mom was lame and had plans away from the home that night).

december 3rd - go to starbucks for hot chocolate and drive through a nearby neighborhood to look at the lights.

december 4th - decorate ginger molasses cookies and put together a gingerbread house.

december 5th - go sub-for-santa shopping as a family to pick out toys.

december 6th - make some christmas crafts (we did two different types of ornaments for the tree in their bedroom).

december 7th - open a new christmas book to read with mom (dad was at the church for mutual).

december 8th - go walk through the lights on cherry lane/natal circle, and stop by chick-fil-a for peppermint shakes afterwards.

december 9th - open a new christmas movie to watch with dad (mom ditched the family for the last time...thank goodness).

december 10th- go to the imax to see santa's cool holiday film festival, and then to the train garden that night.

december 11th- baking day! make cookies and deliver them, along with a book about Christ, to all of our neighbors and friends who are not of our faith.

december 12th - go watch ruby's dance performance, and stop off at mcdonald's for peppermint hot chocolates afterwards.

december 13th- go shopping for parents and siblings. (i took asher to pick out gifts for ruby and daddy, and john took ruby to pick out gifts for asher and mommy).

december 14th - open a new christmas book to read with mom (dad was at the church for mutual again).

december 15th - go to the bass pro shop to see santa.

december 16th - go to the legacy village (a local retirement center) and make christmas cards with grandma ruby and her family for about 40 alzheimer's patients who live there; and take dixie (an elderly single lady in our ward) to go see the zoo lights that night.

decmeber 17th - go watch ruby's christmas music performance, shop for other parent and sibling (this time i took ruby to find a gift for her dad, and john took asher to pick out a gift for me), and go to the mccormick and stillman railroad park at night.

december 18th - special (and traditional) christmas service project (i'd tell you what it is, but then i'd have to kill you).

december 19th - go watch a christmas play (spectacular) at the phoenix first assembly church of God. (fun to see what other religions do to celebrate the birth of the Savior).

december 20th - make snow globes to give to friends and open a new christmas book to read as a family.

december 21st - the polar express!

december 22nd - go see the mesa temple lights, and take homemade hot chocolate in a thermos.

december 23rd - go to schnepf's farm for ice skating, a train ride to see the lights, and a hay ride to feed santa's reindeer...hot chocolate and cinnamon rolls by the fire afterwards.

and...finally...

december 24th - make cookies for santa in the morning, movie with cousins. christmas eve dinner at aunt lori's house in the evening. then home to open christmas pajamas, leave cookies and milk for santa, carrots and water outside for the reindeer, santa's two magical keys on the outside of the door (one for the screen door, and one for the actual house door), finish our nativity, and turn off all the lights and lie by the tree while listening to soft christmas music. (this was probably my very favorite night of the entire season).

9:28 is the new midnight

2012-01-01T15:40:00.007-07:00

we rang in the new year last night at approximately 9:28 pm, and the children were in bed before 10. at 10:00, john and i started a movie, and were both asleep by 11:30...i know because at a quarter to 12:00, i woke up to use the bathroom (first trip of many through the night), and thought to myself, wow, this is the first new year's eve in years (maybe ever) that i've been in bed before midnight. i woke up again, a short time later, to a ton a loud explosions (fireworks) - which i thought were bombs - and looked at the clock. 12:06. i didn't even get an official (and by official, i mean an actual midnight...because i did get a 9:28) new year's smooch-as john (who was just inches away from me)was in such a deep slumber, that he was actually snoring. that doesn't happen very often.poor guy had to have been completely wiped. we both were...are. i think we're still trying to recover from our christmas activities.
for that reason (and also because i haven't been feeling extremely well the past few days), we decided to keep our new year's celebration small (meaning just our little family) and simple..in every way.
john prepared a bunch of little finger foods and dips for our dinner, and also made a trip to the dollar store for hats, glasses, air horns, glow sticks, noise makers, etc. we ate, we had a dance party, john provided us with some awesome entertainment (i seriously haven't laughed that hard in the longest time), we took pictures, listened to auld lang syne, had a toast, started our own countdown, kissed and hugged each other like there was no tomorrow...then we banged pots and pans, blew our noisemakers, ran outside for some sparklers and fireworks, and called it a night. it was awesome. so awesome, in fact, that i think we'll see how many more years we can trick our kids into believing that 9:28 (or earlier...i'm not opposed to earlier) is midnight. this old tired body of mine just isn't cut out for those late nights anymore...and i don't think it has a thing to do with the fact that i'm 8 months pregnant, either. ha.

i am so incredibly grateful for the blessings and miracles that we have witnessed by the hand of the Lord this past year. He has been so extremely good to us...too good to us. oftentimes i feel completely unworthy of His gifts, but i testify that He loves His children and desires to bless us, even if at times we as mortals don't deserve or feel like we merit His blessings.
i look forward to the miracles and blessings of 2012, as well...namely, the birth of our sweet baby jude. i cannot even express how excited i am for this new addition. we have wanted this for so many years, and i seriously can't believe that in 5 weeks or less, this dream will finally become a reality.

so farewell 2011...you have been so good to us.
and hello 2012...i look forward to your adventures, opportunities, blessings, and miracles...and hope you'll be good to us, too.

nice {little} break

2011-12-29T13:52:00.017-07:00

so apparently clarence the elf isn't the only one who needed a break from the craziness that is december.the past few days have been glorious for me. i haven't had to set a single alarm, haven't a place i've needed to be, we've had no responsibilities, no schedules to follow, and no set bed times. rather, our days have been spent playing the wii, and building train sets, and working on crafts, and doing our nails, and figuring out our new tablets (ruby's leap pad, and my iPad), and staying in our pajamas til sometimes noon...or even all day if we've felt like it. yesterday we met up with some friends at peter piper, and ended up staying 4 1/2 hours, if you can believe that. i know, it was even hard for me to believe that we had been there that long.
my point is, it's been nice to be able to just veg out and let the kids play, and not have to worry about a thing. i had every intention of doing just that this december, especially because i didn't want to overdo it and end up having a pre-term baby jude. but when it really came down to it, i just couldn't do it. you see, i am the daughter of a mother who went all out at christmastime. i am the daughter of christine pitts. yes, that same christine pitts who LOVED the holidays, who LIVED FOR the holidays, who was constantly planning fun things for her children, NO MATTER the holiday (but especially christmas). she was one who was always busy. who never stopped running, and going, and doing, and being, and making. she made christmas caramels, and homemade licorice (the best i've ever tasted), but most importantly, she made memories...special, magical, unforgettable memories. and she did it for her children...because she loved us THAT much. and i remember all of those festive christmases, and all of those special christmas eves, and all of those magical decembers. and now that i'm a mother, i want my children to experience all of that, and more. and so, because i have a piece of my mother in me (or at least i like to think i do), i wasn't going to let anything keep me from making this christmas everything it should be.

it all started with the decision to set up the tree and decorate the house on november 1st -

the day after halloween.

so in the first week of november, halloween came down and christmas went up.

and it wasn't just the decorations either.

it was the music, and the christmas stories, and the holiday scented candles.

most my life i had been opposed to celebrating christmas until thanksgiving had passed,

but not anymore.

i think the two go hand in hand just perfectly.

they're both about giving, and sharing, and spreading love, and being grateful.

in fact this year, we decided we wanted our children to catch the spirit of it all early in the season, and so we volunteered to serve thanksgiving dinner at the local boys and girls club.

last minute, we decided that asher was a little young for it - and might actually end up causing more harm than good - so we got a sitter for him.

but it was such a great experience for ruby to learn and witness for herself the humbling circumstances of so many in our very own community, and then to be able to make a difference in their lives through service.

we helped her to understand that that is exactly where the Savior would have been if he were walking the earth today;

and that he was proud of her for the love and service she gave to these families.

it was a perfect way to kick off the holiday season.

of course, we wanted to give our children more opportunities to do good in the community, to serve, and to give of themselves, that by so doing, they in turn would grow closer to their Savior... and understand more fully what Christmas is really all about;

but it was also important to us that they experience a good deal of the secular fun that christmas has to offer, too.

so the constant battle, and never-ending dilemma,

is how do we ensure that everything actually happens?

how do we maintain the perfect balance?

how do we squeeze it all in?

i often have the best of intentions, but rarely see my ideas come to full fruition because of my lack of planning, or organizing, or whatever it may be.

on thanksgiving, i was talking with my sister-in-law, brooke, who had seen some fun advent activity ideas on pinterest.

she sent me to her page, and after viewing it, indeed my own idea was spawned.

i spent the next couple of days working on an advent garland that had a little gift bag attached to it for each day.

inside the gift - that was to be unwrapped by one of the children each morning - they would find written on a little gift tag, an activity for the day.

we had something planned every day from december 1st to christmas day.

can you now see why i'm totally and completely exhausted?

if i can muster up the energy, i may have to do a post about everything we did...but for now, it wears me out just thinking about it.

and if that wasn't enough, each day we still had to follow clarence's daily antics,

retrieve the candy that he had left for the the children out of the advent house,

go do our activity each evening,

read a christmas story,

and then at the close of each day we had our nativity to do (last year my sister gave us the neatest gift. each night there is a song to sing, a passage of scripture or spiritual thought to read, and a piece of the nativity to add that all correspond with each other. our whole family loved it).

this year we even had someone do the 12 days of christmas for our family, which was a total blast...another nativity scene that the children got to create day by day.

so here's the breakdown of each day:

1) children run into our room, pull us from our beds, and we all hunt for clarence.

2) once he is found, they remind us that we have to check the advent house for the two pieces of candy that clarence had left them.

(that's the advent house hiding behind clarence and his stallion)

3) while they gobble down their single piece of candy, they both go running to the door to check for a brown paper bag sitting on our doorstep, which would contain the 12 days of christmas nativity piece.

4) then (and i need to mention that all of this happens before breakfast in the morning), they open the small gift on the advent garland, and both squeal in delight as i read aloud to them our daily activity.

5) that evening we would then complete the activity

6) read a christmas story/book

7) remove the link from the christmas countdown chain that ruby made at school

7) & sing our christmas song, read the scriptural passage or spiritual christmas message, and add a piece to our (other) nativity.

it goes without saying we had a fun, crazy, eventful, meaningful, spiritual, and downright unforgettable december.

honestly and truly, i can't wait to do it all again next year;

but i'd be lying if i said i wasn't just a tiny bit relieved that it's all over with,

and that i can now (just like our dear clarence the elf)

rest.

in.

peace.

(at least for another day or two, right?)

rest in peace, clarence...

2011-12-27T13:31:00.001-07:00

At least until next December.

Clarence is our family's elf.
We adopted him in November of 2010, so we've had him for two Christmases now. I just have to say that he was definitely one of the highlights of our Christmas season - mainly for the children. Every morning, they'd run into our bedroom and ask if they could go find Clarence. Before we even had time to wipe the sleep from our eyes, we were being dragged out of bed, so that - together as a family - we could go and see what shenanigans Clarence had pulled this time. Two years ago, he was quite boring...hiding on a shelf, in a plant, or hanging from a chandelier; but this year...this year i tell ya, he kept all of us on our toes. He's a pretty creative little fellow, I must say. But I also think he must've collaborated with his other elf friends to get some ideas...perhaps maybe he even found a few mischievous schemes on the internet...dare i say.
On the night of November 30th, we read our story Elf on the Shelf, and I told the children that if they were good, and went straight to bed, that Clarence might just make an appearance in the morning.I was right. And he was a busy little elf all month long...well that is until his job was finished on Christmas Eve, and he was able to go back home with old St. Nick himself.

December 1...

He was found all snuggled up in one of Ruby's doll blankies, lying on top of two packages...which turned out to be Christmas pajamas for each of the children.
December 2nd...
We found Asher's bin of cars dumped out on the family room floor, and Clarence was lining them all in a row...exactly how Asher does.
December 3rd...
Clarence was giving one of Ruby's stuffed animals a well-check.
December 4th...
He was dressed as a Shepard boy, and trying his best to fit into the Nativity...poor guy stood out like a sore thumb.
December 5th...

He was galloping all over our house on Ruby's Barbie's horse.
December 6th...
He got into the kids' jar of incentive puff balls, and ended up trapping himself inside...leaving a mess of puff balls everywhere!
December 7th...
He drew with green marker all over mom and dad's engagement picture. I was so mad, until I got out the windex, and found that the marker was not permanent...phewwww.
December 8th...
He put on a rock n' roll show.
December 9th...
He lit our Christmas candle all by himself. I reiterated to the children that what Clarence did was totally off limits to them. Only moms and dads and Christmas elves are allowed to light candles.
December 10th...
He sat at the art station in the children's play room, and drew them a christmas picture. He is such a great artist.
December 11th...
He was caught giving himself a shave.
December 12...
He and barbie went out on the town. That whole day Asher kept saying, I can't believe Clarence has a crush on Barbie...and then he would laugh hysterically.
December 13th...
Clarence was reading a story to some of his his little elf friends.

December 14th...

He must have skipped his midnight snack at the north pole, because he was found inside our container of fruit snacks. He had singlehandedly eaten 5 packages, and was working on the 6th! In fact, when we found him, he had a red fruit snack half way in his mouth.

December 15th...
Man, they must have had a shortage of sweets at the north pole, because again, Clarence was found in our kitchen. This time he had climbed on top of our gingerbread house, and was helping himself to a gumdrop.
December 16th...
He brought some disney prince dolls back from the North Pole for each of the Children, and was trying to disguise himself as one of them. Clarence, we're a little smarter than that...don't you think?
December 17th...
He stayed up all night cutting and hanging beautiful snowflakes for us to enjoy the rest of the season. Clarence, thank you...but next time could you please clean up your mess?
December 18th...
Ruby made snow globes to give to all of her friends, and Clarence decided it would be funny to make himself part of a beautiful winter wonderland scene.
December 19th...
Clarence found some red paint and gave the children rudolph noses in the night.They didn't find that one to be very funny.Both were extremely embarrassed to look at themselves in the mirror.

December 20th...
Clarence and Santa had some serious fun playing in photo booth. When we woke up, the pictures below were displayed on our computer's monitor.

December 21st...
Clarence typed up a letter, which in reality was a direct message from Santa Claus himself... inviting them, once again, to hop aboard the Polar Express to pay the dear old man a visit. I think this one was Ruby and Asher's Favorite. They could hardly contain their excitement as I read Clarence's letter to them.
December 22nd...
He had somehow snuck the bells that the children had gotten from Santa (on the Polar Express the night before), and had them hanging around his neck.
December 23rd...
In an attempt to give our house a little extra Christmas spirit, Clarence got all tangled in a strand of lights, and somehow ended up hanging upside-down from the ceiling.

December 24th...

Finally his job was finished...and he could
rest.in.peace.

the ever growing belly

2011-12-07T16:19:00.007-07:00

i know i haven't posted much about the pregnancy lately. it's not because i haven't wanted to. in fact, i had every intention of writing my sweet jude a letter every week, which would also include a pregnancy update, but the truth is, i just still feel pretty terrible. i keep hoping i'll reach that magnificent moment when all of the sudden you just notice that you feel better (with ruby that happened around 23 or 24 weeks); but i'm now almost 31, and still feel lousy, have no energy, haven't much of an appetite, etc, etc. so i've now swallowed the fact that i probably won't feel better until this little one is out of me. and then it's just a whole new set of pains that mostly have to do with sleep deprivation...and breastfeeding...and if i remember right, (i mean, it has been over 5 years) i recall the recovery not being the biggest party of the century either. now i'm starting to sound like a big bag of complaints. i do realize that these things just come with the territory, and are really such a small sacrifice in comparison to the blessing of a new little one. i can't wait to meet this sweet baby boy.

i have, however, despite the fact that i loathe being in front of the camera, tried to get some sort of belly shot every week, just to document it's perpetual growth. i seriously feel like it's getting bigger by the day...at least that can be said of my buns and thighs without question. it's funny, too, how different outfits can really accentuate the belly (and buns and thighs). like, take a look at week 23, for example. hmmmm.....i'm starting to wonder if perhaps blue's not really my color??

a day to celebrate

2011-11-19T18:27:00.010-07:00

i'm probably the one and only, but i had no idea that national adoption day even existed. i should have guessed. i mean, they have a day for pretty much everything, right? why not celebrate adoption, too? i know our little family has been blessed tremendously through the gift of adoption.
it's hard to believe that it was four years ago, almost to the day, that we received those impressions to adopt.
despite our fears and anxieties, i'm so glad we listened and obeyed, because i honestly don't know what we'd do without our little ash man. he brings so much excitement, and energy, and exuberance into our hearts and home. his life is definitely worth celebrating, and not just on one designated day per year, but every. single. day. for the rest of eternity, i will thank my Heavenly Father for leading us to our asher. did you know that his name means happy and blessed? well asher, we couldn't be happier or feel more blessed to have you in our lives.
we love you, little man.
happy adoption day.
ps. the above photos were in no way posed. i walked into the family room this morning, and beheld this perfect scene with my own two eyes. plain and simple, these two absolutely and positively...adore each other.

mom iz sik

2011-11-19T16:35:00.005-07:00

ruby handed me this endearing drawing today. it made me laugh. not only is it funny...it's also a perfect depiction of how i've been feeling this past week. yes it's true folks, a nasty green virus is making it's way around these parts, and unfortunately expectant mothers (or any mother for that matter) are not immune to it's indignation. it's sad that it's taken as long as it has to get over this thing. when it caught hold of john, he was able to take an entire day to sleep it off; and as a result, he was better in just a couple of days. i guess i have made a few bad choices, like going to the park (for 4 hours, no less), and attending the school carnival because my little princess has been talking about it non-stop for three weeks; but for the most part, i have been doing my best to stay down and take it easy. unfortunately, the job of a mother must go on...through sickness and health; and so the term "sleeping it off" is pretty foreign to me, if not to most moms. i think i'll just stay in tonight, and maybe even play hookie from church tomorrow.
who knows, maybe just a couple more days and i'll be able to nip this thing in the bud...
because apparently, at least according to ruby's drawing, i also turn into the devil when i'm sick. and heaven forbid my children see me as anything less than the angel mother that i am...ha.

a big deal

2011-11-14T10:29:00.005-07:00

as a child, one of my very earliest and fondest christmas memories, was the first time i ever got to see ballet west's nutcracker at the capitol theater in salt lake city. it was a big deal. something that my brother's weren't invited to (not that they would have enjoyed it in the least). but this was an outing that my parents and grandparents had planned...just for me. as a little girl, the privilege of going on a date - not only with mom and dad, but also with grandma and grandpa - was huge. and then being able to dress up in my very best, and go to the ballet? it was beyond my wildest dreams. afterwards, grandpa suggested that we hit up the snelgrove's ice cream on 8th east and 21st south. anyone who has ever lived in salt lake, or ever visited for that matter, has got to be familiar with it's 1960's iconic sign featuring a giant three dimensional, double-scoop ice cream cone. as a kid, making a stop for ice cream at the snelgrove, was like being taken by hand, straight through the pearly gates of heaven. i'm telling you, this date was a really big deal. i'm so grateful for it too, because just a few short years later, grandpa passed away, leaving that trip to the nutcracker, and the snelgrove's for ice cream, one of just a handful of memories i still have of him. he was a giant of a man. a beautiful man.

as a mother, i want to create similar memories for my children...memories they will be able to take with them into their adulthood. i've had ruby in dance for three years now. she's definitely a dancer, and loves all things dance. i have wondered, though, if she may still be a bit young to enjoy the full production of the nutcracker.
lucky for me, a couple of years ago, i discovered the perfect solution. every november, to gear up for their busy season of the nutcracker, a local ballet company presents a nutcracker sweet tea party. it's held at a reception center with beautiful gardens in the which you can walk around and meet the dancers, perhaps get a picture taken, or an autograph. they have a station where little ones can decorate their own gingerbread men, and a boutique featuring unique nutcracker and ballet items.

also offered is a luncheon buffet - the menu including items such as dew drop fairy's chicken salad on croissants, russian ham rolls, clara's cucumber triangles, baby mouse cheese hearts, fritz's fresh fruit, snow queen's shortbread cookies, drosselmeyers peppermint bark, bon-bon fairy's mini cupcakes, spanish marshmallow puffs, and party girls' lemonade punch...just to name a few.

after lunch, the guests are then invited inside to watch just a few short numbers from the production, and then all the little girls crowd around clara's mother, who reads the story of the nutcracker.

the children are all given a little toy soldier as a favor for coming, and the whole ordeal lasts no more than about an hour from start to finish. perfect for little ones and their short attention spans.
i personally love it, because it gives ruby a chance to experience the nutcracker...without having to sit in a theatre for two and a half hours. i think in a couple of years, something like that might actually appeal to her. until then, though, this has become one of our special holiday traditions. we always go to the store and pick out something fancy for her to wear. this year, her favorite part of the outfit was a little gold necklace with interchangeable charms. for this event, she chose to wear the unicorn. she wanted her hair in a bun like a ballerina, and put on her favorite gold glitter flats.
i did my best to make it a big deal. because getting to spend an afternoon alone with my princess...
is a very big deal, indeed.

brothers

2011-11-10T12:14:00.003-07:00

our little asher is already so much in love with his little brother, jude. i didn't think he would really understand until he actually got to see jude, face-to-face.you know, until he got to touch him, hold him, witness with his own eyes, that jude was actually a person - a real, tiny little person. but no. he really understands what's going on in there. and by there, i mean that big bulging belly of mine. he often walks up to me and wraps his arms around my middle, stating that he's giving jude a hug. or he'll lift up my shirt (as he's doing in the photo) to give jude a tender kiss. my all time favorite, though, is when he has a secret to tell - a secret, meant only for jude. he shares these little confidences by whispering ever so softly, ever so gently, directly into my belly button. oh he knows that there's someone in there alright.
i just wonder if he understands how lucky he is, that the little person in there...
is his brother.

toothless

2011-11-08T12:34:00.003-07:00

ruby lost a tooth on friday at school while she was eating her string cheese. your string cheese? i asked her. not your apple, or your crunchy granola bar? no. it was the string cheese. that thing was ready to come out, i tell ya. it had been hanging by a thread for days.oh if only she had let me reach my hand in her mouth, it would have been out in a second...but i guess that's just not as much fun as looking down at the cheese stick in your hand, and seeing a little bloody tooth stump hanging out in your next bite.

she lost the bottom two over the summer, but her permanent teeth were already growing in behind them, literally pushing her baby teeth out. so, consequently, i never felt like her appearance changed much.
but now, boy oh boy, you can see the change, and hear the whistle, from at least a mile away.
my little girl is growing up. and it darn near breaks my heart.

speaking of growing up...i think that when she does, she'll be an actress.
it's just a hunch.

the grand re-opening

2011-11-07T16:38:00.019-07:00

for some reason, unbeknownst to me, spa RAD (aka spa ruby, asher, dad), discontinued operation for a few months. it goes without saying that i - their one and only customer - was completely distraught...especially because now - more than ever - this tired, ragged, pregnant body, could really benefit from the extra pampering.
well, much to my surprise and delight, the owner and founder of spa rad (my sweet and amazing john), extended a personal invitation to their grand re-opening, which was held last night. i don't know if they had been undergoing a remodel, or perhaps had just taken a break from business so that their employees could receive some more extensive training (the atmosphere had been enhanced significantly, and also much improved was the technicians' level of skill and expertise). whatever the reason, it was well worth the wait, as it was bigger and better than ever before.everything about it was exquisite. the only light in the room emanated from, not only the 20 or more tea lights and votives scattered about, but also from the stunningly decorated (haha) christmas tree which was perfectly positioned in my direct view...all of which composed a beautiful, mesmerizing scene. also setting the tone, and creating the perfect ambiance, was the christmas music which played softly in the background.
with scented lotions, i received a leg and foot massage lasting more than an hour,after which hot, steamy towels were wrapped around my feet and legs.
once a measure of cooling had begun, the towels were immediately replaced with new, fresh ones...the process was then repeated over and over again.finally, and to top it all off, my entire body was wrapped in a nice warm blanket. i could have stayed there all night. really, i could have.it was the best spa treatment i have ever received... because of the people who offered it?
yes.but mostly because of the amount of love that was expressed, and felt, through such a sweet and tender act of service.
i'm crossing my fingers spa RAD stays open for a while this time...
because they would most definitely have a customer for life.

success

2011-11-04T13:31:00.004-07:00

we took our kids to the schnepf farms this past weekend. it's a huge family owned and operated local farm that offers tons of festivities year round.but the biggest and best of all, has got to be their pumpkin and chili party held during the month of october. we had been wanting to take the kids all month, but in true eagleston fashion, we let all of our weekends fill up, and didn't actually end up going til the very last possible minute.
it was nice, though, with the weather just starting to cool off. it was probably best we waited to go when we did...because even still, it was hot.normally i welcome the heat - inviting it to stay as long as it pleases, but not this year. this big pregnant body just can't take it. plus i have a ton of oversized cardigans and sweaters that i've been itching to wear...mostly because they'll hide some of that lovely back fat i've been growing.
throughout the day, we enjoyed hay rides, corn mazes, a train ride, giant slides, pig races, a bmx/scateboarding show (asher was mesmerized by this one), and several kiddie rides. the one i was most excited about going on was their roller coaster, but after we had been in line 45 minutes or so, i got super sick. i darted in and out of, and through, all the people in line (probably running into a few of them) until i found a big hay bail to lie down on...and then made sure there was a trash can close by. it was the worst. john, still in line with the kids, spotted me from a distance, took one look at my white-as-a-ghost face, and immediately gave up his coveted place in line (they were nearly at the front of it, too, darn it). by the time he came to my rescue, i felt as if i were seconds from passing out. in an attempt to calm my super upset stomach, he ran and grabbed me a (much too sweet) coke; and then, to prevent the kids from crawling all over me (something they seem to do on a regular basis when i'm at my very worst) he took them on another ride...
all the while i lay miserable, shifting back and forth (you know, the way you do when you're really, really sick?), on that itchy bail of hay. by the time they got back, though (only about 20 minutes later) i was almost 100% back to my normal feeling self. it was the strangest thing. i'm glad it didn't ruin our night...because we still had quite a few things on our agenda.
when it was finally time to leave, though, ruby threw a fit. she was whining and crying, wanting to do this and that...asking if we could buy this, or eat that. it was ridiculous.
i told her that her face paint was smearing because of all her tears, and that made her cry even harder. she was super, super tired. then she pulled a sly one on us. she said mom, you know how you always tell me that you never want my heart to be broken? yes, i replied (hesitantly). well, my heart is broken right now, and the only thing that will help it, is if we stay a little bit longer. so what do you think we did? well first we laughed (i mean, how manipulative, right?), but after that, we ended up staying a little bit longer (we are such suckers).we went on a hay ride, let the kids feed corn to the deer, and got some yummy roasted candied cashews.
and that was all it took... for every single one of us, to leave with a smile.
and for me, a smile = success.

asher LOVING the bmx and skateboarding stunt show

i've got a golden ticket!

2011-11-02T13:35:00.009-07:00

i knew full well that we'd never be able to top last year's costumes.
i wasn't even going to try.
in fact, john and i decided that we would scale WAY back this year, picking a relatively simple theme, and then each year we could do a bit more...
you know, make the costumes a little bit better than the previous years',
thus gradually working our way back up to the top again.
so for scaling back and simplifying, i think we still did a pretty good job.

we decided on the willy wonka theme almost a year ago, but thought we'd get some resistance from the kids about being oompa loompas.
after showing them the movie however, they were thrilled about the idea...
and even suggested that we make dix-d an oompa loompa, too.
they've viewed the film a hundred times since, and every time they watch it, asher says "look mom, there's ruby and asher!".
it was obvious that john would be willy wonka, and i decided to be violet beauregarde (only because, although i love veruca salt's red dress, i didn't think i'd be able to pull off because of how short it is).
as it turned out, my pregnant belly, and rather large body, thanked me profusely for going with the violet look.
we ended up having such a great time;
and the kids (and dog) managed to keep their wigs and gloves on all night...
which, i figured, would have been less likely than finding a golden ticket in a wonka bar.

Willy Wonka

Violet Beauregarde

Oompa Loompas

oompa loompa doompadee doo...

2011-11-01T19:48:00.004-07:00

i've got a perfect puzzle for you.

can you guess what we were for halloween this year?

more pictures coming your way!

plain jane

2011-11-01T17:24:00.006-07:00

i spent the morning taking all of this down...

my house feels pretty plain jane.
i like it like this, though.
too bad it's not going to last for more than a day or two...
because CHRISTMAS here we come.
i started something new last year,
which i've decided is going to become tradition...
(i don't have much by way of thanksgiving decor anyway)

and i can't hardly wait!

should i be concerned?

2011-10-31T13:07:00.005-07:00

both ruby and asher had their halloween parties at school today. ruby's not allowed to dress up at her school, which made me kind of sad. only because some of my very best childhood memories are of me and my siblings dressing up on halloween, going to school, being able to see all of our friends in their costumes, showing off our own (which my mother always made), and participating in the school halloween parade. all the parents came to see their children traipse around the elementary school's gym, and moms and dads always oohed and awed, clapped and cheered, as their children proudly flaunted their ensembles for all to see and admire. i looked forward to one day being able to do that with my own children. but alas, it may never happen. so instead we picked her up an orange pumpkin t-shirt, and a pair of black sparkly leg warmers. she was as pleased as punch when she walked out the door. john wore his traditional halloween work outfit (i don't think it's changed in 5 years) - black slacks, black button up dress shirt, and an orange tie. very profesh, if i do say so myself. asher was the one who was actually permitted to wear a costume, but i wasn't thrilled about having him wear his true costume (which will be revealed this evening), so i gave him another option. a pirate. a rough and tough (and very manly) buccaneer. and he HATED it! i mean, he absolutely LOATHED it. one look at it, and he thrusted himself down upon the ground, and threw the world's hugest fit known to man. john had to pin him down to keep him from wrecking havoc to the house, or even worse...to himself...or us. it was that bad. i think it was ruby who jokingly asked, hey asher, do you want to wear my pirate costume (which is a pirate princess...dress), and he perked up like nothing i've ever seen.
YEAH! he exclaimed. in order to make it appear a bit more manly, and a little less like he was a cancer patient, i pulled down our dread-lock wig from the attic. but of course, in true asher fashion, he wanted NOTHING to do with it.

can you just see the look of death he's giving me?

and so, our little boy walked out the front door, prouder than he's ever been, dressed... as a pirate princess.
at least when i tried to pose him for a picture by the front door, he refused and went straight to the water/mud puddle, reassuring me that he is, indeed, very much BOY.

but then again, the other day i caught him with my heels on.

hmmmm. should i be concerned?

i believe

2011-10-29T13:25:00.006-07:00

ruby just informed that she believes in Santa Claus, Zero Hero (the unseen superhero who leaves treats outside her classroom door), and Jesus.
"i believe these things to be true, mom, i really do."

well keep on believing, my little one (especially in the latter), and never let the magic of the other two die...for that's what will guard and preserve that youthful innocence...an innocence and naivete that only a child can posess.

if only i could put a freeze on time, and keep you like this forever.

i love you so.

she's one of a kind

2011-10-20T21:30:00.009-07:00

i have so, SO much to catch up on...but judging by the way i've been feeling lately, my guess is that the "catching up" may never actually happen. maybe one day (when i have a ton of energy/ motivation, and i'm feel really, really great) i'll bust about about 50 posts.

we've been practicing for ruby's talk on sunday. it's the annual children's sacrament meeting program, and she will be giving a short talk on her experience in the salt lake temple when we took asher to be sealed into our family. she was only three, but surprisingly, she remembers quite a bit about that special day. we try to talk about it a lot...my hope is that by doing so, she will keep those memories in her heart forever. since she hasn't actually mastered reading, she will be giving her talk from memory. if she can pull it off how she's been practicing, it will be a hit. i couldn't help but post this little preview for your enjoyment. i thought it was just about the cutest thing ever...the hand motions, the facial expressions, and yes, even the bloopers.

and this is her first time through without any prompts...

and here she takes a small break from reviewing her talk, to be a frog. there's no one else quite like ruby girl...she's one of a kind, that's for sure.

and please, don't pay any attention to my pathetic self...lying (sick as a dog) on the unmade bed. it's the story of my life these past couple of months. i know, it's DANG depressing.

half way

2011-09-18T15:41:00.008-07:00

i really can't believe that i'm already half way through this pregnancy. i think our busy summer helped the first half go by so fast, and i'm pretty sure the craziness of the holidays, which will be here before we know it, will help the second half to fly by too. at least i'm hoping that to be the case.

i know that i complain. a lot. john would be more than happy to vouch for that statement, i'm sure. it seems ridiculous to even utter one word of complaint when we've been trying for, and hoping for, and crying for, and praying, praying, praying for, this pregnancy for four and a half years. but i guess maybe since it's been over 5 years since i've had a baby, i seem to have forgotten how horribly uncomfortable, and miserable, and tiring, and nerve-racking, pregnancy can actually be. i mean the nausea, the throwing up, the sleepless nights, the anxiety, the lack of energy, the varicose veins (yep this has actually happened to me this time around), the cramping, the diarrhea (oh, you don't get diarrhea during pregnancy? oh...uh...neither do i), the heartburn, the swollen body parts, the weight gain, the smells(oh the smells), the food aversions, the loss of dignity, the embarrassing surgeries (yes. hanging naked, upside down in the or, while your doctor stitches up your cervix is embarrassing. it is, trust me). and besides all the discomfort, if you're anything like me, you worry your guts out about your baby...until he's placed safely in your arms. and even then, you don't stop worrying.

i don't tend to be a super anxious person in general. but pregnancy turns me into a complete basket case. especially after the loss of our sweet baby isaac at 23 weeks. i worried my way through the entire 9 months with ruby. my doctor put me on klonopin, which is an anti-anxiety medication. it helped me to at least be able to sleep at night...but i worried nonetheless.
i'm on klonopin this time around too. and again it takes the edge off, allows me to get a somewhat decent night's sleep, and helps me to at least be able to function well enough to care for my other children. sort of. poor john. he picks up so much of the slack.
again, with this whole incompetent cervix thing that i've been diagnosed with, i just worry. despite the fact that i'm all stitched up...i still worry. i worry i will dilate too early, and the reinforcement of the stitches will be compromised. i worry i will be placed on bed rest like i was with ruby (three months was way too long then, i cannot even imagine what it would be like with two other little ones to care for). i worry that i will overdo it and put too much pressure on my cerclage, and that the stitches might just tear right through. i don't even know if that's possible? but i worry about it. i worry that out of the blue one day, jude's heart will just stop beating, and i'll have to deliver a stillborn baby. pretty morbid thoughts, i know. just trying to get my point across. pregnancy turns me into a worrier. an unhealthy worrier.

i had my mid-pregnancy ultrasound on Friday, you know...the one where they check over the entire anatomy of the baby. and, well, i guess now i have one more thing to add to my list of worries. i figured something may have been a bit off when the sonographer left (mid ultrasound), and the doctor came in to pick up where she left off. he proceeded to explain to us that our baby has what's called echogenic bowel. right now, in the 2nd trimester, it's a bit early to tell what that could actually mean...but here's what we do know: echogenic bowel is basically a bright bowel. through ultrasound the abdomen should appear to be grayish in color...our baby's is white. like the same whiteness as his pelvic bone which could easily be seen in the same scan. echogenic bowel could indicate a few things, namely, down syndrome, cystic fibrosis, some sort of infection that the baby has contracted, a blockage - which would require immediate surgery at birth, the baby could be swallowing some blood which is showing up bright on ultrasound (more common if there was a threatened miscarriage early on in the pregnancy), or, within the next few weeks or months, it could clear up on it's own, with no explanation as to it's cause...or cure. next week i will undergo a series of tests, screenings, and lab work, which may rule out (or indicate) some of these possibilities. and then they will continue to get ultrasounds (on top of the cervical length ultrasounds that i'm already having done every two weeks) of the baby to more closely monitor, and determine, the severity of the problem. right now my doctor said it's about a 3 on a scale of 1 to 10, but that they will have a much better indication in the third trimester. now, for me, it doesn't matter either way. of course, you never want to see your child suffer. no doubt you want them to get here safe and sound, and perfectly healthy in every way. but, on the other hand, i know, and have witnessed, and felt, the beautiful spirit of a special needs individual...their sweet child-like innocence, their perfect, God-like love. they are so special, and so close to their Heavenly Father. i would be honored to be given such a gift. a perfectly flawless spirit, housed inside of an imperfect, flawed body. i know that with that would come many many tears, and heartbreak, and pain, and worry (i may have to be on klonopin for life), and money, and sacrifice. lots and lots of sacrifice. but if that was Heavenly Father's plan for our family, how could i ever want or hope for anything different? the love i feel for my baby jude is indescribable, and i haven't even met him. i cannot imagine how that love will deepen and intensify when i get to see him for the very first time, and hold his tiny body (broken or whole) in my arms. nothing will compare.

even though it doesn't matter either way to us - because we know that we are in the Lord's hands, and that He has a perfect plan for our imperfect family - i guess i'm still just asking for your prayers of faith in our behalf. that our hearts and minds can be at peace...whatever the outcome. and also that maybe i can stop worrying...just a little. at least about the things that are outside my own control.

we would greatly appreciate it.

to my mini (and very masculine) mango

2011-09-15T04:16:00.008-07:00

dear jude,

it's 4:15 am and i can't sleep. i blame it on your father's phone and more particularly, that blasted alarm. i think it must be possessed. he swears he doesn't set it. but it always goes off at random times in the morning. this morning it went off at 3:55. the problem with that is, your daddy can turn it off, roll over, and be back to sleep in a millisecond. i, on the other hand, can't. once that alarm goes off, no matter the time, i'm up for the day. it hasn't always been that way...just since you've been growing inside of me. but that's ok. i'll take you over my sleep any day of the week.

well jude, we're almost half way there! can you even believe it?! week 19. they say that you're now the size of a mango. the last ultrasound i had, i asked them to check again for me, just to make sure you were still a boy. and you are. very much so. so for this week, i think i'll call you my masculine mango.

i got my first item for you the other day. that was exciting. well...it's actually for me, but it will make things very convenient in caring for you. it's a diaper bag. a nice, big and roomy, marc jacobs diaper bag. paying for it made me miss the days (the 10 whole years) that i worked for nordstrom, and got my house 33 (that's a discount, by the way - a 33% off discount. i really don't know why they call it a house 33. it never did make much sense to me). luckily i had a couple of gift cards burning a hole in my pocket - which definitely helped cushion the blow. we're going to be so stylish, sportin' our blue marc jacobs' bag with panthers all over it. daddy calls it my "liger" bag - which is a mix between a lion and a tiger - in case you were wondering. he just likes to give me a hard time, but secretly, well not really secretly, he openly told me that he really likes it. and that's a good thing, because i'm sure he'll be wearing that thing around his shoulder plenty. i smile just thinking about it. him holding you in one arm, and the marc jacobs in the other. every thought of you, and having you in our family, makes me smile.

the night before last, your daddy was out of town. i invited your brother and sister to sleep in my bed with me. we knelt down and said our family prayer before we hopped into the great big bed. i'm not sure who said it, i mean, that was two nights ago, and you can't really expect my pregnancy brain to remember details like that when so much time has passed. but i do know that whoever said it, they prayed for you. not a single prayer is uttered in our house, without first thanking Heavenly Father for you, and then asking him to continue to bless you to grow, and to develop properly, and to be healthy and strong. we all hopped into bed. i got the middle, and your siblings snuggled up on either side of me. we read our scriptures, and then we read the book that asher picked out , which was the itsy bits spider, and the book that ruby picked out, which was clifford the big red dog (well it looks like i do remember some things). after story time, we turned out the lights, and i pulled your siblings in close to me. we held each other tightly, and each of their legs were wrapped around mine. i was completely enveloped in the moment, when something amazing happened. i started to feel your tiny legs too. only they were't wrapped around mine, thank goodness (it's way too early for that) but they were moving around, and kicking like crazy inside of me. it was maybe as close, physically, as i might ever be, to my three precious little ones all at once...
and my heart was full to the brim.

and it still is...

even though it's 4:45 am, and i should be in my big comfy bed...sound asleep. i may have to have another talking to with your father about that alarm of his. i am truly grateful, though, because it gave me this opportunity to express my feelings to you. i hope you know how much i love you, how excited i am to see you on ultrasound again tomorrow, and how even more excited i am to meet you.

take care, my baby jude...now and forever.

all my love,
your (very sleep deprived) mom

childless

2011-08-24T21:31:00.004-07:00

man, i was so proud of myself...that i had been blogging everyday. but it only lasted a week, and then something happened. my bed rest orders were lifted, and i jumped right back into life. this past week has been so crazy, i feel like i haven't stopped to even take a breath. which is probably what will put me right back on bed rest. it's just that while i was down, all i could think about were all the things i needed to be up and doing, and well, now that i'm up - you had better believe - i'm doing! but i'll admit, i've wished a couple of times that i could go back...you know, to the simple life...that only exists when you're confined to the bed. i am exhausted. i'm telling you, you always want what you can't have (at least i seem to work that way).

one really bit of exciting news, there was a cancellation in miss stacey's preschool, and we got in! my little asher is officially a school going man...and will be for the next, say, 20 years of his life. that's a crazy, and disturbing thought. (i had best not be thinking about things like that for now - like how fast my babies are growing up - i'll end up with ulcers, i just know it.)

so here he is on the first day of school, backback on, and totally excited for the adventure that awaits him.

he started on monday, and when i picked him up - and asked him all about his day - the first thing he told me was that he went poo poo in the potty.

oh great, that means miss stacey had to wipe him, and put his undies and shorts back on him (since he takes it all off when he goes...and then can't get dressed again without assistance). great.

that's all miss stacey needs.

she is running a preschool here...not a daycare.

we have really been working on this at home (i promise stacey, we'll get it...eventually).

so instead of getting a mini candy bar when he goes #2 in the potty (which he has now mastered, obviously), he gets a candy bar when he can successfully put his underwear and shorts back on all by himself.

this has been an interesting challenge, even more so - if i dare say - than the potty training itself.

it's hard for me to sit back and watch as he puts his undies on backwards, or his shorts on upside down, or inside out.

one time his underwear were so twisted that his whole (okay i guess we have to go back to the weenie talk...just this once), weenie, was hanging out the side.

often he'll put both legs in the same hole,

and multiple times he has fallen over trying,

and ended up in tears of defeat.

i hate not being able to just do it for him, but we have to get this down.

we really do.

today was his 2nd day of school.

the minute we get in the car, he says, all excitedly, mom, i went poo poo in the potty.

oh man, asher, again? is this going to be a daily occurance at preschool?

i try to get him to go beforehand, i really do.

he went on to tell me that miss stacey wiped him and got him all dressed again.

he was so proud of that fact...like it was the highlight of his day.

well that, and he was pretty happy about being able to take a bouquet of fresh flowers to stacey in honor of her birthday tomorrow.

such a gent, my little man is.

he goes to school twice a week, for 3.5 hours each day.

it's crazy to have the house so quiet. the challenge for me has been deciding the best way to put that precious time to use.

luckily i read my scriptures in the mornings before the kids get up, or that would definitely be an important option.

so, do i run errands, kid free?

do i blog?

do i clean house, because i can do it so much quicker without the little ones on my tail?

do i organize my garage for our up and coming garage sale?
do i post things on Craigslist?
do I work on our halloween costumes?

do i call my family members and catch up on life? because again, that's nearly impossible to do with kids screaming in my ear for attention...

or do i just throw it all out the window, and take a nap?

what would you do if you were childless for 7 (prime, day-time) hours per week?

i need to take advantage of this luxury, because come february, i won't have time for much other than that little jude man, i suppose.

august 20th

2011-08-20T22:21:00.010-07:00

august 20th is a pretty special day for this pretty special couple.

last year, on this very day, our niece, karen, married her sweetheart, morgan;

and today, exactly one year later, the two of them took their precious baby, carter, to the mesa temple - to be sealed for time and eternity.

it was beautiful.

in fact, to me, it was even more beautiful than their actual wedding day.

just for a lot of different reasons.

it was simple.

temple weddings are simple...but they are powerful, and wonderful, and perfect. because everything that God has a part in...is perfect.

the most beautiful part of it all, for me, was watching as they placed carter's tiny hand on top of his parents' at the temple alter.

he didn't even make a peep. he just stared up in reverence and awe at his dad, and then at his mom, and then he played with his mommy's ring, and then with her hair.

it was tender. it really was.

above all, what made it sweet and tender, were the blessings and promises that they were given, of course contingent upon their own faithfulness.

and carter, oh sweet baby carter, he was given the best gift of all - the gift of being sealed to his parents as if he had been born into the new and everlasting covenant.

it caused me to reflect on the day that we had our very own asher sealed to us.

it was one of the most special experiences of my life.

that day my own baby received the same blessings that baby carter received today...

blessings that his older sister, ruby, had already been given at birth - namely the blessing of being born into the covenant.

the new and everlasting covenant.

the gospel of Jesus Christ.

august 20th, like i mentioned earlier, is a very special day...for many people.

but it holds an extra special place in my heart, because it's the day that my sweet asher made his entrance into this world.

it's the day, three years ago, that i stood in a delivery room, and watched with teary eyes - the struggle his birth mother endured to get him here (he was a big baby - 10lb 10oz, and she was a very small girl).

it was the day i had anticipated for 9 months, but it was also a day that would break my heart, as i watched a young mother hand her precious newborn son, over to another mother.

i felt honored being the recipient of such a selfless gift,

but in truth, it was hard to celebrate my gain, when i knew that someone else was suffering such a loss.

a tremendous loss.

i still love and revere asher's birth mother for what she did.

i always will.

we don't keep in touch really.

i'm not even sure if she still reads my blog...but lindsay, if you happen to be reading this, please know that i feel forever indebted to you for the selfless sacrifice that you made for your baby.

for us.

he has blessed and enriched our lives more than you'll ever know.

my life, my world, my family, my eternity, has changed forever because of our precious asher. so thank you.

from the bottom of my heart.

i thank you.

ash has known for some time now that his birthday would be coming up.

he's been asking about it ever since ruby's birthday (i still need to post about that) - which was june 4th.

almost daily we hear his question, when's my birfday guuump (comin' up)?

we always tell him, august 20th, buddy, you still have to wait a couple more months, or a couple more weeks...

we found out not long ago about karen and morgan's sealing, and knew that once again, we'd have to postpone asher's big celebration.

it made us a little sad.

especially because of how he had been looking forward to "august 20th" - with such excitement and anticipation.

we figured that he's still young enough to be fooled.

he knows his birthday is august 20th, but he doesn't have a clue that august 20th...is today.

we figured we'd celebrate it next weekend, and he'd never know the difference.

it was hard not being able to tell him happy birthday today.

instead we looked for countless opportunities to tell him...without actually "telling him".

he and i woke up really early and played in the playroom for 4 hours.

john made pancakes for breakfast...usually we have cold cereal.

we took him to pick out his very own backpack for school, and then grabbed dilly bars from dairy queen and ate them at home.

i made sure to give him extra kisses, and longer hugs, and multiple "i love you's" throughout the day.

i cried as i watched him dance across the family room floor tonight before dinner.

i just couldn't believe how much he's grown up, and how fast these three years have flown by.

he can be a handful, yes.

he's active, and full of energy, and sometime knows the very buttons to push that will send me through the roof...

but it makes me sad thinking about how much i talk about, write about, and even think about those things.

it's way more often than i should.

because truth is, he's the sweetest, happiest, funniest, most tender-hearted, and spirited little three year old i know...

and that is something worthy to blog about, and talk about, and think about...

and shout from the rooftops (when he sometimes sends me through them. ha).

happy august 20th, my little man.

we'll celebrate BIG TIME next week (on august 20th), sound good?

olive or jude?

2011-08-19T16:49:00.004-07:00

this morning ruby prayed for a girl. she prays for a girl most mornings, but maybe a bit more fervently this morning, because she knew that john and i would be going to 'phoenix perinatal' as she calls it. (most kids would just ask, oh you have a dr's appt today, mom? but not ruby, for her it's always, mom are you going to phoenix perinatal today? while some kids might inquire, how did your dr's appointment go today?? ruby's question after each appointment is hey mom, how did phoenix perinatal go? it makes me laugh. my little 5 year old...sounding all intelligent.) so anyway, she does, she prays to Heavenly Father a lot that our baby will be a girl. poor girl needs a sister for sure. she'll often (and by often i mean multiple times a day), come right up to my belly and rub it, and kiss it, and say awwww baby olive, (the girl name we've had picked out since my pregnancy of 2007 - which sadly, ended up not being viable due to it's implantation in my left fallopian tube)...and then she goes on, big sister ruby loves you so much. or it'll be something along the lines of, well hello ollie, how are you doing in there today? are you moving, and growing, and kicking a lot? i guess my whole point in telling you all this, is so that you'll better understand, that according to ruby, our baby is most definitely a girl.

this morning we had been talking about my appointment, it would just be a follow-up from my surgery a week ago, but due to our serial cervical length ultrasounds, we figured there might be a chance they would be able to distinguish baby's gender today. true, i'm only 14 weeks, but i was told by the ultrasound tech at the hospital (when i had my surgery) that she often will have a pretty good idea late in the 12th or 13th week, depending on the baby's cooperation; and, most importantly, his or her positioning. unfortunately, we weren't able to tell at the hospital...baby's legs were very closed. i drank some extra orange juice this morning, though...in hopes of seeing a very active, cooperative, leg-spreading baby on that monitor. and by golly, for once my plan worked!
so here goes.....

my dearest baby olive,
i'm sorry to have to inform you, that your time to come to earth? well, it hasn't quite arrived. your daddy and i have always felt and believed that you're up there...waiting...meant to be a part of our family. it's just the timing of it all that can be a bit confusing sometimes.so please, just have patience, and don't give up...and we promise to do the same.
now how am i ever going to break the news to big sister, ruby, that we're having a boy?

with love and (hopeful) anticipation,
your future mom

i have to admit, i was pretty shocked myself with the news; and really, i'd be lying if i were to say that i wasn't - just for a brief moment...okay maybe two - a tiny bit disappointed. i've been dreaming about our little olive for a while now. i figured that since i was finally blessed with a good viable pregnancy - after 4 years of trying - well, i guess i assumed it would be that little girl i had dreamt about for so long.
but alas, that was not part of our Heavenly Father's plan for our family...at least not just yet. i truly believe that the order, and the timing, and even the gender of our children is so intricately thought out, planned out, and even timed out by our Heavenly Father. i don't believe these things to be mere happenstance...each little detail of our families and their structure, is all part of His grand plan. I truly believe that.

so baby number three is a boy...a little buddy for asher. and after getting over the initial shock of it all, i can honestly say that i couldn't be happier. especially after seeing how perfect he was in every way. opening and closing his mouth non-stop (nurse said he was swallowing). we thought it was so funny ,though, seeing his little jaw move up and down. he was a busy little guy, that's for sure (i probably have the oj to thank for that)...moving from side to side, kicking his little legs, waving his arms and hands all over the place;and very proudly, i might add, showing off his manly parts. in fact, the nurse said, gosh, i'm sure glad you guys wanted to find out, i don't know how i ever could have kept that one a secret. it really was so obvious...even to my ignorant and untrained eye. i saw the parts, and knew they could never belong to a girl, even before the technician opened her mouth to utter a word.
see what i mean?

our appointment was early, at 8:15, so afterwards - and only because my bedrest orders were lifted (slightly) - i decided to take asher out and catch up on some very important errands .(for starters, picking up supplies to get going on our halloween costumes. like i said, very important errands!) so while it was just the two of us, i thought it the perfect opportunity to tell him our news...i knew that he would take it well. and our conversation went something like this...

mom: hey asher?
ash: what?
mom: i have a question to ask you.
ash: ok.
mom: so asher, is ruby a boy or a girl?
ash: ruby's a girl!
mom: and asher, what are you? are you a boy or a girl?
asher: (he speaks in 3rd person quite ofter) asher's a boy!
mom: right asher! good job! and guess what, ash? today we found out what the baby is...and do you know what? baby's a boy...just like asher!
asher: (doesn't say a word, but gets the hugest smile on his face...exposing that beautiful, perfect, and enormous dimple on his left cheek. i'm in love with that dimple.)

i took it that he was pretty excited, after all, actions do - more often than not - speak louder than words. these two are going to be the best of buddies.

and then that made me think of ruby again. i had until 3 (that's when she gets home from school), to think of something. i worried about her and her tender little feelings all day.

i picked her up from school at three, and an hour went by before i could say anything. i thought i would do my best to let her down lightly...and by that i meanin a fun, lighthearted, sort of way.
so here's how our conversation went (i love it, and shall never, ever forget it)...

mom: guess what ruby? mom and dad got to see the baby again today.
ruby: you did?!
mom: yeah, and guess what else? we found out what it is!
ruby: you did??!!! (on pins and needles)
mom: we sure did (picking up the ultrasound picture) and i'm going to show you this picture, and see if you can figure out what we're having just by looking at the picture.
ruby: (big smile) ok!
mom: ruby, what do you think that looks like? (pointing right where the blue arrow points in the below image)

ruby: ummmm....hmmmm...the baby's hand?
mom: no, not the baby's hand. guess again.
ruby: is it the baby's head?
mom: no, not it's head either. i'll give you a clue. what makes you and asher so different? like what makes you a girl, and asher a boy?
ruby: (puzzled expression)
mom: okay, let me rephrase that. what is the biggest difference between boys and girls? what does asher have that you don't?
ruby: (puzzled expression finally fading from her face) ahhhhh...i know now! asher has short hair!
mom: well...you're right about that, but (ha...we are getting nowhere with this) there's something else that's really different. when asher goes to the potty, what does he have that is different from you?
ruby: (a little embarrased to say it) well...asher...has...a...wienie?
mom: you're right, so now look at this picture again, and tell me, what does this look like to you?
ruby: (the light bulb finally turns on in her head...and then she starts laughing hysterically) a WIENIE!! (still laughing hysterically)
mom: yep, mom and dad saw the baby's little wienie today on the screen, so do you know what that means, ruby?
ruby: (still thouroughly entertained by all the wienie talk - which we do not typically discuss openly, much less joke about - in our home) yeah, she says...it means we're having a boy.
mom: you're exactly right, ruby, and we still feel like our olive will to come to our family, eventually, but this little guy must have been first in line. (i guess still feeling like i need to cushion the blow for her)
ruby: (as if ignoring the whole olive talk, she starts jumping up and down, and doing a wild little dance) WE'RE HAVING A BOY!!!! WE'RE HAVING A BOY!!!

okay, so that went off a lot better than i had expected. wish i hadn't worried about it the whole live long day. she then asked me what we were going to name him. jude, i told her. (the name we almost used for asher. what can i say, we're suckers for bible names, hence isaac, asher....and now jude.) jude! i like it!, she said, and then she asked me if she could call him juder. sure ruby, was my response, you can call him anything you want.

ruby: yay! we're having a boy, and his name is jude!

we're all just a little excited over here...if you can't tell.

welcome, baby jude - early february! we cannot wait to meet you, to welcome you into our family, and to introduce you to our crazy and exciting life! don't worry, you still have a few months to gear up for it.

a night on the town

2011-08-18T23:27:00.005-07:00

it's been nearly a week since my surgery, and since i was given strict orders by my doctor to be down. i'm pretty proud of myself, if you want to know the truth, i haven't cheated very much at all. i think one of the things i've missed the most, is just the good old outside air. haven't gotten even one dose of that since i came home from the hospital friday night. and i also think i've done myself a disservice by not opening up my bedroom curtains during the day to at least catch a glimpse of the sun, and to invite some beautiful natural light into the room. it's no wonder i'm feeling gloomy these days. john called me on the way home from work and asked if i had looked out the window to see the massive storm that was heading our way. i had no idea. how could i with the blinds shut and the curtains drawn? (does that mean closed? hope so.) i got up to take a quick peek. now, i'm not a huge lover of the rain, but seeing those dark, heavy clouds that were looming overhead - just made me want to go out and take a big breath of that fresh air and catch a nice waft of that beautiful smell that always precedes the rain. i wanted (NEEDED) more than anything to get out. i begged john to take me somewhere...anywhere.he agreed on walmart only because of those nifty jazzy power chairs that they have.and i know for a fact that walmart has them, because i see at least 80 people cruisin' around the store in them every time i go. no lie. and i'm sure you do too.as we were getting ready to leave the house, ruby asked if she could take her brella (umbrella), but i talked her out of it. ruby, wouldn't it be so fun if the rain just started pouring down, and we got caught in it, and ended up completely drenched? (that's what i was secretly hoping for.) with an enormous and very hopeful smile on her face, she agreed that that would be the best thing that could ever happen to us on our little outing. john pulled right up to the front curb, and left me and the kids in the car while he went inside and picked up the jazzy. it was pretty hilarious watching him ride out of the store with it. he helped me out of the car, after which i settled my big pregnant booty right in to it. it felt like it was made just for me.after taking a minute to familiarize myself with the controls, and sanitizing the heck out of it, i invited the children to hop on for the ride of their lives.

we didn't even need a darn thing, but somehow we still managed to fill up the basket, and spent $80 on nonsense. it was worth it though. for all of those crazy stares and looks of disgust. for all of those fixtures that we nearly hit (actually we pretty much knocked over two of them).and for all of the toes that we almost ran over.
it was the best night on the town i could have dreamed of...well, except for the fact that i almost fell asleep in the checkout line, and also i was a little disappointed that we never ended up getting caught in the rain. i guess we were about an hour too early. it's pouring buckets out there right now. i may wait til john falls alseep, and then sneek out in my little nighty, and do a quick twirl or two as the rain splashes my face and soaks my hair. and then i'll crawl back into my nice warm bed, and nestle deep down into the soft covers, and drift gently off to sleep.
sounds like heaven to me.

night and day

2011-08-17T14:05:00.005-07:00

so this is day number 5 of having to be on complete bed-rest...and i'm pretty much losing my mind. i feel lazy, and sloppy, and sluggish, and idle, and totally and completely worthless. not to mention bored and lonely. my children have been farmed out for the week. in some ways, i guess it's kind of nice, but really i just miss them like crazy; and i'm not kidding when i say i would trade this peace and quiet (and totally immaculate home), for the loud, chaotic, cheerful, (sometimes messy and cluttered - lived in, i should say) laughter-filled home, any day of the week. it's funny, because i feel like i'm always wishing for, and want what i can't have. aren't we all like that to an extent? my dream has always been to have a perfectly clean and orderly home every day of the week, and now that i have it, i just long to see asher's cars scattered all over the house, and to find one of ruby's barbie dolls in my bed. i've always said i would love a day or two to just stay in bed all day....to perhaps catch up on some much needed sleep, to read a good book, to blog...to watch 7 hours in a row of so you think you can dance (i really did that on monday...about pulled my hair out afterwards); but now that i have that time, that alone time, that me time...to do whatever the heck i want, i don't want it. i'm not interested in it anymore. i'm utterly bored of it, and entirely done with it. i want to be up and playing with my children, i want to go shopping, i want to serve others, and bring happiness to their lives. it's so much more fun to serve, and to be able to enrich the lives of others, than to lie helplessly in bed, having to be waited upon hand and foot. not that i don't totally and completely appreciate every single thing (big or small) that every single person has done for me, for us...it's just harder to be on the receiving end of service. it just plain is.

so enough of that, now i want to talk about my surgery, and recovery, and some of the differences between now, and when i had it done nearly 6 years ago with ruby.

the differences, for me, can be characterized as night and day.

and i'm really being serious.

my two experiences with the same surgery, were that different.

i was so afraid going into this because of how hard the recovery process was for me last time.

last time i was wheeled into the OR, and just moments before i was given my general anesthesia- which would put me completely under (thank goodness) - i noticed how frantically and speedily one of the nurses or OR assistants (i'm not sure of his exact title, or even who he was) was wrapping my ankles with ace bandages.

totally baffled as to why he would be wrapping my ankles, well, i just flat out asked him,

why are you wrapping my ankles?

to which he replied, so they won't slip out of those, pointing toward the ceiling to a couple of high-hanging, wide-set stirrups.

oh this is perfect, i thought, i get to hang naked, upside down, while a whole slew of people work on my...well...my you know what.

i was humiliated by the very thought, but then, like a knight in shining armor, my anesthesiologist came to the rescue with an oxygen mask in one hand, and a shot of some sweetness through my IV in the other (a great multi-tasker he was)...and i was out.

thank goodness.

there are three different types of cerclages, my dr. had explained to me, and he would be performing the shrodkar cerclage. this procedure (i'm going to sound super smart right now, but really i'm just pulling this information off the web - healthline.com) is done by dissecting the vaginal mucosa and bladder off the cervix anteriorally, and if necessary, opening the cul-de-sac (dissecting the vaginal mucosa off the cervix) posteriorally and then placing the suture as high as possible around the cervix tunneling through the cervical stroma. The cerclage is usually begun at the 12:00 o’clock position and then placed circumferentially with as few exit points as possible until the starting point is reached and the suture is tied. The vaginal mucosa is then reapproximated to cover the cerclage.

did you catch all that?

from what else i know about this type of cerclage, it is way more invasive,

technically more difficult (requiring more time in the operating room),

with greater risk for hemorrhage and infection;

and also, that it's certainly more painful to remove.

and boy can i attest to this.

having those stitches taken out that day, really was one of the most uncomfortable, and i'll go so far as to say painful, things i've ever had to endure.

when my surgery was complete, and i started to come to,

i remember a total of about 4 things.

1) i had a horrendous headache. i'm pretty sure from all of that blood rushing to my head. hanging upside down for an hour will do that to you every time. (my ankles were bruised and swollen for a few days afterward too, hmmmm...i wonder why?...not enough ace bandage for cushion, perhaps?)

2) i honestly and truly thought that i was dying. i was convinced that that was what death felt like, and i even went so far as to ask my nurse if i was slipping away.

3) my toe ring (why was i even wearing a stinking toe ring?) was cutting off all of my circulation. i screamed for someone, anyone, to just GET IT OFF OF ME! it was constricting my entire body like a horrible monster. it was the most awful and frightening feeling.

(maybe that's why i thought i was dying. i don't know?)

and

4) the last thing i remember after coming out of my surgery...until i woke up in my very own bed - hours later- was throwing up, non-stop, the entire way home from the hospital...and really for days afterwards.

i'll say it the best way i know how...it was not a very pleasant day for me. in the least.

and the recovery was just as bad...if not worse.

my dr. told me that i would most likely need a week off of work to recover.

i applied for my disability leave, and everything was set.

only, when that week was up, there wasn't any possible way that i was going to be able to return to work.

i was still bleeding like crazy, cramping like mad, and couldn't even stand upright when i walked...(that is, if i even attempted to walk at all. mostly i just lived in my bed).

i mean, i was literally in bed for two weeks straight, and not because of dr's orders to be down, but because i wanted to be down, i needed to be down.

it was hell, i tell ya, pure hell.

as dark as the darkest night.

so now i'll describe the contrast to you.

the day.

it was as bright as the brightest day can be (well for a surgery day, at least).

and other than the fact that my surgery was scheduled at three in the afternoon, and i couldn't eat or drink anything all day leading up to it, it was wonderful.

really, truly, it was.

i had the sweetest nurse in the world, and even though she missed my vein a few times, and my bed ended up looking like a crime scene (it happens every time. yeah that big, juicy, plump vein that they all think is so wonderful and perfect, it's not. it has never produced, and probably never will. you'd think i'd have said something by now. next time. next time)...

i still loved her, and thought she did a fabulous job caring for me.

my anesthesiologist came in and introduced himself, and had me laughing from the get-go.

and for those of you who really know me, it takes a lot for me to laugh out loud.

i don't know why...i think so many things are funny, and hysterical, and totally laugh-worthy...

i guess you could say i'm just more of a hold it all inside, and laugh to myself kind of person.

but this guy, he was funny. he was really, really funny.

and i couldn't help but laugh out loud following every word and phrase that come out of his mouth.

they wheeled me to the OR, and sure enough, this nurse starts wrapping my ankles, only with towels this time.

oh great, here we go again, i'm thinking to myself. but when i look up toward the ceiling, there are no stirrups to be found. instead they're set up just slightly higher than my bed, and off to the sides - spread pretty far apart - but nothing i couldn't handle...even though i'm about the least flexible person on the planet.

then the part that really surprised me...they all helped me onto the gurney, sat me up, told me to scoot as far to the back as i possibly could (without going over the edge), and then the anesthesiologist told me to put my chin to my chest, relax my shoulders, curve my back (is this sounding familiar to any of you? particularily you moms who have had babies?)...wait...what in the world are they doing to me? what about my general anesthesia? i ask. aren't you putting me under for this surgery?

oh no! they all say at once, we're giving you a spinal block. don't worry, they say, you will not feel a thing from your chest to your toes.

i couldn't believe that i was going to be awake for the procedure.

at first i was slightly embarrassed, being fully exposed the way that i was.

but then they turned up the tunes,

gave me some sweet arm rests,

and all i had to do was sit back...and do nothing...and feel nothing.

i laughed a lot (i'm telling you, that anesthesiologist was a crack up),

i tapped my feet to the music...well not really, that spinal was something mighty and fierce i'm telling you.

with all the power, strength, and energy i could muster up, i still couldn't even move a toe.

my heart and soul were doing some serious dancing though.

groovin' to tunes like bon jovi's livin' on a prayer, katy perry's california gurls, cheap trick's i want you to want me, and tom petty's free fallin'.

it was the best mix i could have asked for, and perfectly epitomized the mood and feeling of the OR experience for me.

carefree (but not too carefree, the dr. still managed to stitch my cervix, and not some other vital opening...thank you, dr.), light, jovial, friendly, and fun.

it was the best experience. and this dr. chose to do a different type of cerclage, a mcdonald cerclage...which in hindsight, i am very grateful for, as it was way less strenuous on my body, and way less invasive too.

again, i'm going to sound very intelligent here, but just pulling info from the healthline.com ( i surely don't want to go to jail for plagiarism). The primary advantages of the McDonald procedure are that it can be performed quite rapidly, with minimal risk for blood loss or infection, and can be more easily removed to permit a vaginal delivery. The disadvantages are that it usually cannot be placed as high on the cervix as a Shirodkar, and many clinicians shy away from adequate placement for fear of damaging the bladder or rectum. Indeed, in my experience, the greatest reasons for failure of McDonald cerclages are threefold: they are not placed highlyenough, deeply enough, or tied tightly enough to prevent cervical change and downward displacement of the membranes.

well, sheesh, i sure hope doc placed my cerclage high enough, deep enough, and tight enough...and protected my bladder and rectum while she was at it.

i guess only time will tell. right?

the procedure lasted only 10 minutes, as opposed to an hour last time, and after about 45 minutes (only because of the set-up and prep time) from the time they wheeled me and my bed away- not only from my room, but also from my dear john, who would be waiting for me when i returned - they were wheeling me back in.

and i was completely with it this time.

no desperate pleas to remove jewelry (didn't have any on, but still).

no throwing up, no headaches, or swollen ankles...

no thoughts of death.

just smiles and laughs...yep, that guy still had me in stiches (literally);

and the only recovery i had to do there at the hospital, was to to simply

wait,

and wait,

to get the feeling back in my legs.

and i thought an epidural was bad. this spinal blockage thing was one of the weirdest sensations i have ever felt. it took two hours for me to be able to even slightly move one toe,

and four hours to have barely enough feeling, (with john's help) to get up and use the restroom. my legs looked just like ariel's from the little mermaid when she tries to take her first steps with her real human legs.

john and i were laughing pretty hard.

we got to see baby on ultrasound twice, which was a huge added bonus, once before surgery, and once afterwards (just to make sure he or she made it through the whole ordeal ok).

i knew we'd both pull through with flying colors.

before i left, my dr. told me that she wasn't as strict as some of her other PPA (phoenix perinatal associates...there are about 25 in all) partners.

she said, and these are her exact words...i'll let you shower, get up to use the restroom when you need to, and move to the couch if you'd like.

good heavens, i thought, and that's not strict? what do some of the other partners allow, or restrict, i wonder?

no getting out of bed for any reason, whatsoever, sponge baths when needed, and catheters and bedpans only?

oh but wait, that's how it was for me with isaac for 9 days straight.

plus i was pretty much upside down.

if you're ever up for a fun challenge, try lying down, (but make sure your head is much lower than the rest of you body, and that your abdomen and legs are extremely elevated), then with a bedpan underneath you, and i forgot to mention you have to be totally constipated, try going #2 in the bed pan...and here's the real catch, you can't push. under any circumstances, or your baby will most likely go flying across the room.

yeah that time on bed rest in the hospital with isaac, had to be the darkest and worst of all.

so i won't complain.

at least i can actually walk to the restroom when i feel the urge, and even push if i have to - thanks to these lovely, newly-placed, cervical stitches i now have.

i can take a shower, and wash my own hair.

and i can walk straight and tall, with nice posture, and not feel any pain.

i haven't bled at all, and i have very minimal cramping - nothing an ibuprofen or two can't remedy.

i haven't thrown up once since the surgery,

and the blessings and tender mercies go on...

and on...

and on.

so although it may be boring, having to be down, i have to remind myself that it could be a lot lot- a heck of a lot- worse. because it has in the past, twice before...

and hey, at least this time i can move to the couch if i want to.

and that's a huge added bonus...wouldn't you agree?

he's big enough

2011-08-16T16:12:00.003-07:00

about a month ago, i decided that for my own sanity, as well as for asher's benefit, i should to get him into some sort of preschool class...just a couple of days a week, you know, to give me a chance to recharge (a little break, if you will), and allow him the opportunity to learn some basics. i thought it would be nice for him to be able to identify his colors, numbers, letters, etc., to learn to follow simple instructions and directions, to discover his creative side, and also just to acquire some social skills - which would allow him the chance to interact, and have fun with his peers.

it was a brilliant idea, but just one thing was lacking...asher was not potty trained...nor was he anywhere close. he has the type of personality that can't be pushed or easily persuaded to do anything he does not want to do. he will not be told what to do. he does what he wants, when he wants, and in his own asher style. i had been told that you shouldn't try to potty train a child before they're ready - meaning before they've started expressing some sort of interest. well, at the rate we were going, asher would have been in diapers til he was five...i just know it. the kid was perfectly content pooping in his diaper, and then letting that poop squish, and smash, and smear all over his buttocks without a single complaint. didn't bother him in the least. he could play all day with wet saggy buns, and never once told me if he needed to go, and never once told me that he had gone. (well, ok, once...but i don' really count it. about 6 months ago we were in the middle of shopping at michael's, when he told me he had to poo, and that he wanted to go in the potty. this was the first i had heard anything like that, but wanted wholeheartedly to take him seriously. i rushed him to the bathroom, pulled down his shorts, removed his diaper, and plopped him on the toilet. and he pooped. just. like. that. but that never happened again. it was a total fluke. total fluke. he wasn't even excited that he had done it. it didn't even phase him...even though i was jumping up and down and clapping like a lunatic in the middle of the dirty, smelly, michael's restroom...asher couldn't have cared less. i knew then and there that he was not ready.)

i contacted my friend who teaches preschool here in the neighborhood, (ruby took from her, and loved her. she's amazing), and asked if she had any openings. she said yes, and that school would be starting in just over a month.
wanting so badly for this preschool thing to work out, i decided to take matters into my own hands. the minute i put my phone down from texting miss stacey, i pulled asher's diaper right out from under him...absolutely no warning whatsoever. he didn't even know what had hit him. we were going to do it, and we were doing it commando style. i simply explained to him that he wasn't a baby anymore, and that it was about time he learned how to use the restroom in a dignified and civilized manner like the rest of us (and i'm sure i used that exact wording, too. ha.) anyway, from there on out, asher became a man. he started pooping and peeing on the potty like it was nobody's business. he didn't even tell me when he needed to go, he would just come and find me, and take my hand, and lead me all excitedly to the bathroom so that i could see the surprise (whether poo or pee) that he had left in the toilet. all by himself. it was crazy how ready he was, and how extremely well he did right from the start...as long as he was nude, that is. for the first little bit, if he had anything on at all...a diaper...a pull-up, even a pair of his favorite thomas the train underwear (that he picked out all by himself), he was sure to have an accident. so i just reenforced the whole going commando thing, and he did awesome! except for the day a little poo pebble fell out of his buns and onto the carpet. i raced him to the toilet so he could finish his business, and when i went back to clean up the pebble, it was gone. dix-d ran away from the scene, smacking his lips together like he had just been given his very own pork chop. gross dog. that was asher's one and only accident on the carpet. one day though, he did something rather unusual (everyone is entitled to an off day, right?) he grabbed a rag, and pooped in it. i was so mad. just when i got it all cleaned up, he grabbed another rag and pooped in it. he did that three times in one morning, and blamed it on dix-d all three times. i couldn't even believe it. it was like for a day or two, he was afraid to go number two in the pot, and then i got him his own little jar of mini candy bars, and told him that each time he dropped his own baby ruth in the toilet (if you know what i mean), he would get a real one to eat. he loved that idea, and has never pooped in a rag again, or in his thomas undies, or in a pull-up. in fact, he doesn't even pee in his pull-ups anymore. when he gets up from naps and bed time, they are completely dry almost every single time.

i really thought this process would be so much harder than it was. it just goes to show that my little asher is bigger, older, and smarter than i thought he was, which makes me sad in a lot of ways.

it's been over a month now, and i'm proud to say that he did it!

he can now poop and pee in a dignified and civilized manner...just like the rest of us.

and now i'm just hoping there's still an opening in that preschool.

if he's big enough to poo in the pot,

than he's big enough for school, is he not?

love notes

2011-08-14T10:05:00.014-07:00

well she made it! ruby survived her first week of school...(it was actually her first three days, since she began mid-week.)she did great, and loved it, and was excited to wake up each morning and begin a new day.that's always a good sign. a mother's dream, isn't it? that the first week goes off without a hitch?
the above picture was taken on the 2nd day of school. she was very proud of the fact that she had picked out her outfit all on her own, and even fixed her hair without her mother's assistance. i couldn't have been more proud myself, actually. i thought she ended up looking adorable.
thursday was P.E. day, so she wasn't thrilled about having to wear a pair of keds. do i really have to wear these, mom? they are going to smudge my pedicure. i had to laugh at that comment, not because her statement didn't have any truth to it, but simply because my girl, is such a girl.she did have a very valid point.

i was hard pressed to get her to go into much detail about each day's events. i felt like i was playing 20 questions...but getting nowhere.she would only ever respond with very vague, very short answers. i was able to gather, however, that rest time is really boring; and also, each day when i asked her what her very favorite part of the day was, she always replied with, the special note you gave me on my napkin. not music time, or P.E., or recess, or playing with her friends, or eating lunch...oh no, it was the napkin that was left inside of her lunch. i had no idea that something so simple would mean so much to her; and in fact, would be the highlight of her day.
on thursday, after i picked up carpool, and had taken all the other kids home; ruby, in a panic, screamed, mom, i left my lunch box at school! i assured her that it was no big deal, that it would be kept safe, that it would still be there in the morning- in the exact spot she had left it- and that she could grab it and bring it home the following day. in the meantime, i told her, she could take a sack lunch to school. she was frantic, and panicked, and completely adamant. NO MOM! we have to turn around now and go back to the school.i need my lunchbox because it has my special letter from you inside. that about did me in...my sweet little sentimental ruby. so without hesitation, we quickly flipped a U, raced back to school, ran down the hall to her classroom, and grabbed the lunchbox. first thing she did when she had it in her hands? well, she opened it, of course...just to be to sure that the chicken-scratched love note - etched on a folded up paper towel - was still there. and it was. and so far, she has saved all three of them, and keeps them in her
very own,
very special,
place.

little lemon

2011-08-12T11:41:00.007-07:00

dear baby,

we've made it 14 weeks! that's something to celebrate, for sure. so i guess now you're the size of a lemon. which i think is strange because i've never seen a lemon that was bigger than a peach (week 13). i know that you're not getting any smaller though. here's proof. just take a look at this belly of mine.

if i look a little nervous in this photo, well, it's because i am. today's our big surgery day. it's the day the doctors are going to stitch mommy up good and tight so that you won't come any earlier than you're supposed to. that's what happened to our poor baby isaac. mommy's body thought he was ready to come, and her cervix was fully dilated at only five months. he was born just a couple of weeks later. this may all be a bit much for you right now, but it's not important that you understand everything just yet. what really matters, is that what is about to happen in just a little over two hours, is going to save your life...and make me the happiest mommy in the whole wide world. i'm feeling a lot of things right now. but mostly just nervous and sick. nervous because when i had this surgery with ruby, it was really hard on me...physically. i had to be down for two weeks afterwards. we're definitely hoping and praying for a quicker recovery this time around. especially because i have your brother and sister to care for. and sick, really sick, because our surgery isn't until 3:00, and they told me that i couldn't eat or drink anything for 8 hours prior. last time I had anything was at 7 this morning. Your daddy set his alarm for 6:30 to make me some oatmeal, a protein shake, and a nice cold bottle of water to drink. He is such a kind and tenderhearted man. you'll soon find out just how wonderful he truly is. I guess that's a bit off the subject, though. back to the sick part. i'm sick because, well, first of all, asking a pregnant lady to go without food for that long, especially in the middle of the day, is just asking for trouble. and you should never expect any arizonan - pregnant or not - in august, 112 degrees today mind you, to go 8 hours without water...that's just plain ludicrous (unless you're fasting, of course...then I think u get a little added strength from above). my mouth feels like cotton, my stomach is in knots, my nerves are off the charts...but you know what? it's worth it. i would go through any discomfort, any pain, any sickness, torment, fear, sadness, or anxiety...for you, and for your comfort and safety. and i mean that from the very depths of my heart. i wish you the best in surgery, my love. we're both going to need some prayers from above.

i love you my little lemon,

mom

1st day

2011-08-11T09:37:00.004-07:00

the first day of anything, for me, has always been a bit nerve-racking. i've been that way my whole life. there's something about the unknown that just makes me feel uncomfortable, and nervous, and jittery...but also maybe deep down, way deep down, i sometimes feel a little excited too. yesterday was no different for me. the nerves, the discomfort, the sadness, and yes, a little bit of excitement. it was ruby's first day of school. real school. all day, every day, school. remember when i recently talked about walking my baby sister to kindergarten? well yesterday was the day i walked my own baby girl to kindergarten. although i did have some fears and reservations about the whole thing, i also felt happy, because you share in your children's joys, and, well, ruby was so excited for this day to arrive. she's been counting down for weeks. seeing her so happy, lessened some of my fears and worries. worries like, she will be gone for nearly 7 hours, 5 days a week, and she still takes naps with me at home everyday (because i'm a loser mom, and i just can't function if i don't get my daily pregnancy nap). so how will she not be falling asleep at her desk come 1:00 every day? other worries like (and maybe this is too much information) how will she wipe herself if she has to go number two? up until about 3 weeks ago, i have always helped her with this. we have been practicing a lot these days, though, and she gets a little treat every time she does it properly and gets herself clean. i sent a little travel pack of cottonelle flushables (thanks for the idea, brooke) with her in her backpack; and even let her pick out a really cute floral pencil case to keep them in so she wouldn't have to be embarrassed walking to the bathroom with a pack of wipes in her hand.

as i was packing her lunch yesterday, and putting her capri sun inside, it dawned on me, how will she open this on her own? juice boxes are easy, she can handle them just fine, but capri suns are floppy and the straw is almost impossible to insert unless you do it just right. why didn't i think of that when i was buying school lunch supplies? we practiced that morning, just moments before walking out the door for school, and went through about four drinks before we got it down to a science. i never realized all the things i do for her, that she'll now have to do on her own. i think that was what was getting to me the most. sure i'm going to miss her. sure i worry about whether she'll make new friends, and wonder if she'll put into practice all the good manners and life lessons that we've taught her. sure i worry and wonder if she will like her teacher, or (what i fear even more) will her teacher like her? will she be a quick learner? will she be able to keep up? will she have confidence? will she have the courage to be herself? when in compromising situations, will she have what it takes stand up for what she believes in? mostly i'm just scared, though, because this - kindergarten, school, being on her own - they all represent a new life for her. the beginning, but also the end of so many things. i feel like i'm sending her out into the great big world, and i'm just not sure how the great big world is going to treat her. that nice, tight, safe bubble i've been keeping her in for 5 years?...i feel like it just popped, and spit her out, and sent her on her way, and there wasn't a single thing i could do about it.

time never stops ticking. life never stops moving. and babies never stop growing up. that's what scares me and breaks my heart most of all....that my baby's not a baby anymore.
i'm happy that she'll still kiss me on the lips, though.

so excited, and also maybe a little worried about her first day, she's so much like her mother.

posing with mom and dad in front of the school, with her teacher, hanging up her backpack while she goes to play, and daddy walking her to go line up with her class.

so happy that her good friend and cousin, bennett, is in her same class! how fun is that? top left photo was taken after school with her cousins. looks like they all survived...with smiles on their faces even.

Ruby was EXHAUSTED by the end of the day, and actually fell asleep within minutes of our bed time routine (this never happens). asher was up for awhile crying for us to let him out of the room. we heard nothing for several minutes, and went in to find this. he had crawled into bed with his already sleeping sister. i love that my children are the best of friends. i hope nothing - not kindergarten, not friends, not the great big world - will ever, ever change that.

a tropical desert vacay

2011-08-08T20:49:00.004-07:00

my youngest sister erica just graduated from high school. it still blows my mind that my sweet baby sister is so grown up. i remember walking her to kindergarten with my dad on her first day of school. she was the apple of our mother's eye (well we all were, i suppose), but i know mom had an extra soft spot in her heart for her baby. perhaps it was because deep down she knew she'd get the least amount of time with her little ricky - who was only five when she passed away. my heart broke when that happened. it was heart wrenching, and painful, and devastating for me to lose my mom, but i was 20. i had spent so much time with her, had collected myriad memories, and was blessed to be raised to adulthood by her and my father. it just didn't seem fair, though, for a 5 year old to have to go on without her mother. life just isn't fair.
recently erica and five of her girlfriends had planned their senior trip to go to maui. (lucky girl...i went to anaheim for mine.) one of her friend's fathers works for hawaiian air, and was able to get several buddy passes so that the girls could fly for just a couple hundred dollars vs. $1,000. the trip was planned, hotel booked, rental car reserved...and finally the day had arrived. their bags were packed, and they were off. unfortunately they only made it as far as LAX, but then they were stuck. flights would look open and promising, and then, last minute, they would fill right up. since they were using buddy passes, they were put on the lowest priority standby...things were not looking good. after a few nights in LAX, they decided to head to san fransico to see if that would increase their chances. they discussed all sorts of options. maybe they could fly into oahu or kauai? kona, they determined, may have been their best bet, and then just take an island hopper to maui. but to no avail...flight after flight filled up, and time and time again, they were turned away. after spending 5 nights sleeping in california airports, they finally decided to head home. when i heard the news, my heart, once again, broke for my little ricky. life so isn't fair.
i was so honored, however, when she called and asked if she and our other single sister, rachel (i call her my ray of sunshine) could come and spend a few days with us. honored, and flattered...but also a bit nervous. how could a stay in the arizona desert be anything but a big huge let-down in comparison to the tropics of hawaii? i had three days to come up with something. john and i started jotting down some ideas of things to do, and then i wrote a silly little poem to give to them when they got here.

Dear Sweet Erica,

Your bags were all packed; you were ready to be flown
To a tropical paradise, like one you had never known.

You boarded a flight, hoping to get to Kona…
But wait – there was a mix up...your plane landed in Arizona!!

What a disappointment, to miss out on the sun,
the white sandy beaches…and hours and hours of fun;
the oceans, the luaus, even a fresh flower lei,
coconuts…macadamia nuts…

But here’s what I have to say:

MAUI SCHMAUI!!!!

ARIZONA is really, the place you want to be.
And if you’re luck strikes just right, it could hit 123 (degrees, that is)!

We’ve got the world's best beaches; the waves just can’t be beat.
Our favorite is called BIG SURF; we go there to dodge the heat.

You want shopping and dining? You’ve come to the right place.
There’s nothing like a trip to LAST CHANCE, where through the doors you’ll have to race.

But you’ll make out like a champion, with bags and bags of loot,
And of course, you’ll be the best-dressed, USU gal to boot!

We’ve also got the Scottsdale mall, it’s hip and oh so posh,
But one look at a price tag, and you’ll be saying “OH MY GOSH”!

We can hit up a D-Backs game, or take a float down the river.
One taste of a Bahama Bucks, will make your whole body quiver (and shiver).

A pedicure might be nice, or a couple of late night movies.
We’ll have to forgo the clubs though…too many people smokin’ doobies.

The sunsets are simply breathtaking…the monsoons – AMAZING!
But just a word of caution, the sidewalks are a BLAZING!!

So don’t forget your flipflops, and a large bottle of sunscreen,
because that Arizona sun…well…it can be a mean machine!

Our home – it’s no 5 star, but we’ll keep it clean and neat,
And although you planned on being with your friends,
Well family?...they just can’t be beat.

So maybe it’s a blessing, WAY deep down in disguise,
Because I think you’ll find Mesa, to be quite a surprise.

Plus you have a family, who loves you more than life,
And really our only objective, is to ease your pain and strife.

So no more thoughts of Maui…Kauai, Ohau, or Kona;
But sit back, relax…

and
FALL IN LOVE
with
ARIZONA!!

our house is so small, so we had to do some creative rearranging in order to convert the playroom into a guestroom. like i said, it was no 5 star, but i think they were happy with the arrangements. (except when their little niece and nephew would barge in to greet them every morning, and they while they were at it, would crawl over them looking for this toy or that. the girls were great sports about it though. they're the best aunts any kids could ask for.)

when we picked them up at the airport, we gave them each a flower lei and a bottled water (just like they do in hawaii). we were all laughing pretty hard...it was so cheesy. i had made a sign for the garage, and our plan was to line the yard with tiki torches to create a hawaiian feel and ambiance for them when they arrived. i was pretty disappointed, though, when we couldn't find any of the fuel cups for our torches, so on our way to the airport - in complete panic and utter desperation - we called our friends, the parkers. you can ask the parkers to do anything, and they will drop whatever they have going on to help you out. and not only will they do it, but they do everything to the hilt...going above and beyond every single time. i couldn't believe what i saw when we pulled up to the house after picking up my sisters. not only were there tiki torches everywhere...but there were flower leis up in the trees, and hawaiian hats in the bushes, and grass skirts lining the walkways, etc, etc, etc. it was absolutely perfect. and my sisters thought it was about the coolest thing they had ever seen. it was really late and dark, so i didn't get any great pictures of the whole yard, but just trust me on this one...it was amazing!

in the 4-5 days that they were here, we managed to squeeze it all in. and i mean literally, we squeezed it all in.

we spent a day at the pool and made mr. pinapple pina colodas.

we floated the salt river in the most hideous bathing suits and shorts that we could find at goodwill (i know what you're thinking...and yes, we washed them thoroughly). we felt beautiful and confident (hope you can sense my sarcasm in this statement), until we kept bumping into a group of guys, who were hitting on my sisters, and even though i'm married and pregnant, i still, for a minute, wished i had been wearing something a bit more flattering to my already unflattering figure. turns out those guys? yeah, all they were really interested in, were our hats.

we made a day of shopping and hit up last chance in phoenix. the girls were pretty blown away by how crazy it is there, and how nut-so people can be for a bargain. we spent a few hours at last chance, and then headed over to the fashion square mall in scottsdale where we shopped for another couple of hours. if it were up to us, we could have gone on all day, but we had been dragging the kids from store to store starting at 9:15 in the morning til 4:30 in the afternoon...and they had had enough (that's putting it lightly. if you want the real truth, they were turning into animals. so we were forced to call it quits).

we got the most delicious shaved ice at bahama bucks...with lots and lots of cream.

we did some night surfing at waikiki beach (aka big surf).

we got pedicures...and eyebrow and lip waxes.

we swam at a local pool, and john and the girls had a blast on the flowrider (actually john thinks he broke his shoulder...consequently his session lasted only 30 minutes). i had fun taking pictures and video (and protecting my little growing peach). the kids loved the shallow pools and splash pads. there was fun to be had for all. (thanks sarah t. for the tokens!)

we went to a d-backs game, and john and i had to laugh, because i swear, every diamondbacks game we go to, they play the dodgers. we had to get a picture with one of their crazy fans. see below, it's impossible to miss him.

after the game we came home, put the kids to bed, applied sally hansen polish strips to our nails, pulled wax out of our ears (so nasty, but also kind of addicting), and made homemade pizookies. (in hindsight, we probably should have done the earwax thing after the pizookies, but they were de-lish nonetheless. in my opinion, nothing can ruin a pizookie.)

sunday morning the girls wanted to go to church at least to take the sacrament before hitting the road (aren't they good girls?). it was fun having them come to the ward and being able to introduce them to some of the people we have grown to love so much in the 5 years we've lived here. the saddest part of the trip, though (besides the night the three of us spent two hours at a restaurant and sobbed our little hearts out while talking about our mom and the day she died), was having to say goodbye.

and almost just as sad as that (well, not really, but still) was having to bid farewell to my trusty vehicle of the past 10 years. my black, two-door, ford explorer expedition. an explorer expedition? you ask. no no, it couldn't be. it's either an explorer, or it's an expedition. but i'm telling you folks, it's really true. for just one year, maybe two, ford actually came out with a limited edition model called the explorer expedition. it was my dream car. and it was all mine. i bought it when i came home from my mission a decade ago, and it has served me (us) well ever since. john started driving it when we got married, but i've always still considered it my baby. after we found out about our (real human) baby number three, we decided it was time for an upgrade, and it just seemed to make the most sense to get rid of old locka (the name ruby so affectionately gave it about a year ago). we offered it to my dad, he said he'd take it, and the girls so willingly drove it home. it was so sad watching my sisters, and my car, pull out of the subdivision, and out of sight. so many memories. so many memories.

i hope ricky and rae had the best time ever. i know that mesa doesn't even compare to maui, but in my opinion, what really matters most is not where you are, but who you are with (plus i did my very best to bring the tropics to the desert). i am so thankful for my sweet sisters and the unforgettable time we had together. the only thing that would have made it even better, was if our other two sisters could have joined us. heck, our brothers, too, and the whole entire family. nothing beats time spent with family...whether in arizona or hawaii, the city or the country, the beaches or the mountains, the tropics or the desert.

i now like to think of arizona as the #1 tropical desert vacation destination.

ok, you can all stop laughing now.

my perfect peach

2011-08-07T22:42:00.001-07:00

dearest baby,

last week you were my little lime,
but today,
you're my perfect peach.
it's strange to think that you've grown so much in just a week's time.
judging by the looks of my belly, i'd guess you were the size of a cantaloupe.
but what do i know?
the important thing is that you're growing.
tonight during family prayer, ruby said the most perfect thing.
she thanked Heavenly Father for our "beautiful baby",
and then she asked Him that you would grow and grow and grow.
asher prays for you every day, too.
his prayers are always the same.
Heavenly Father, he begins, please bless our baby to feel better, and please bless mommy to be safe.
i love hearing him mix it up the way that he does.
every single time.
the rest of us usually pray that you'll be safe, and that i'll feel better.
on the other hand, he probably knows and understands exactly what he prays for.
after all, stretching and growing couldn't be all fun and games for you either;
and i will never refuse a prayer for my continued safety.
i want to be around for you and your brother and sister for ever and ever and ever.

i love you my perfect peach.
stay safe.
and feel better (from asher).
and keep growing and growing and growing (from ruby).

and a great big goodnight kiss on the belly (from daddy).

all my love,
your mom

basket case momma

2011-07-25T10:48:00.004-07:00

dearest baby,

it's been so long since i've taken the opportunity to jot down my feelings.

most importantly, my feelings about you.

the truth is, it's really hard to put it all in words.

the most powerful emotion i feel is love.

love and excitement.

but i'd be lying if i didn't tell you that sometimes i'm too afraid to even feel excited.

your aunt leigh summed it up perfectly when she said that she was so dang excited....and on edge....and thrilled....and scared to be thrilled....and hopeful....and nervous...and happy.

that's everything i've been feeling and more.

these past few weeks have been such a whirlwind of anxiety, and fear, and doubt, not to mention weak stomach, and frazzled nerves.

your daddy and i got to see you about three weeks ago.

that was one of the most beautiful things i have witnessed in a very long time.

your perfect little gummy-bear-shaped-body, and seeing that little flicker on the screen.

we were told that that was your heartbeat.

i can't even describe to you how happy it made your mommy seeing your little heart working and pumping the way that it was.

brought instant tears to my eyes.

i uttered a silent prayer of gratitude to our Heavenly Father for blessing us with such a perfectly sweet and tender moment.

the moment of meeting you for the very first time.

it truly was remarkable.

they said you were measuring perfectly, and that your heart rate was right on target.

and they gave us gobs and gobs of photos.

we walked out of that office, two of the happiest and proudest parents on the planet.

over time, however, that cloud i had been floating on,

started to sink...

down,

down.

i let fear and doubt set in.

despairing thoughts started to overtake me.

i stopped sleeping at night.

for days i refused to even get myself ready in the mornings.

pregnancy symptoms started to decline...

and i began mourning your loss.

i figured that only in the next life would i be blessed to have more children.

i cried a lot.

oh baby, i hope you will forgive me.

it's just that after losing so many, it's hard to believe that one might actually stick.

obviously i need to have more faith in my Heavenly Father and his perfect plan for our family. i'm working on that.

i had a blessing from your father.

he blessed me with peace.

but my heart and mind kept fighting it.

i was still convinced that you were no more, that your perfect heart -which had once been strong and beating -was now still.

i just knew that it wasn't meant to be.

a few days ago i shared my feelings with your grandpa pitts, and then later with grandma judy.

both of them counseled and urged with all the love and concern in their hearts for me (and for you, and for our family), that i needed to call my nurse.

i hesitantly agreed, and then picked up the phone.

i told her that i didn't think i was pregnant anymore, and that the anxiety i was experiencing as i convinced myself of this possibility was too much to bear.

she told me to come in the next day for an ultrasound.

that was last friday.

i cried a good portion of the day.

all sorts of ugly, and horrible, and heartbreaking, scenarios entered my head.

but finally the hour arrived.

your daddy came with me.

my heart was racing as they lead us down a long corridor to the dark room at the end of the hall. my palms were sweaty.

my head pounding.

i lay on the table as the sonographer squirted the warm gel, and then positioned her wand just perfectly.

not 3 seconds later, we heard her say, see that cute little flickering heart beat?

and i sighed.

a HUGE, ginormous, gigantous (as grandma judy would say) sigh of relief.

and of gratitude. and of overwhelming and indescribable joy.

there you were, sweet baby, kicking your little legs, waving your little arms, showing off your two most perfect feet.

you reminded me of a darling little peanut...with limbs.

the nurse took so many pictures of you that she had to put them all on a disk.

it's a gift i will forever cherish.

my doctor prescribed me some benozs so that i can finally relax a little and get some sleep at night.

i had to take them with your sister, ruby, too.

i was just the biggest basket case after losing your big brother, isaac, and lived every night in fear of losing her, too.

i know that you are here to stay, though, sweet baby.

you are in the hands of the greatest physician of all, even our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

also taking care of us are the best (some even world renowned) perinatalogists out there.

they have promised to take care of us weekly until you are here...

safe and sound.

guess what that means, my little one? i get to see you in 5 more days!

your daddy and i can hardly wait.

i love you so,

your (basket-case) momma

dearest baby,

2011-06-10T15:04:00.004-07:00

it was only 5 days ago that your daddy and i found out about you. to say that we were excited would be an understatement. we have struggled for 4.5 years to get you here. in that time we have lost two pregnancies, seen numerous doctors and specialists, undergone tests and procedures, taken a hundred pregnancy tests, uttered countless prayers, spent hours in the temple, and still...we haven't given up hope that in His own due time, the Lord would see fit to bless us with another child. we feel so extremely blessed, but at the same time {given our poor pregnancy track record} we can't help but feel nervous. because of this, we had decided that if mom were ever to get pregnant again, we would have to keep it a secret for months {or at least until we knew that the pregnancy would be good and viable}, but a funny thing happened, sweet baby. your daddy and i have been planning on going on the pioneer trek with the youth in our stake, and were actually supposed to be leaving this week. when we found out about you, we were thinking about not saying anything to anyone, and maybe just trying to go anyway.but as were were lying in bed that night, we decided that we needed to be obedient. we knew that there was a rule against pregnant women going on trek, and we knew if we were to disregard the rules, that the Lord would be disappointed in us for our lack of obedience. plus, it was such a painstaking process, getting you here. we had wanted you so badly, and prayed for you so earnestly, and done everything in our power to get you here...we just weren't willing to take the chance that something might happen to you because we had decided to go. so late that night, daddy had to send out an email to several people in the ward and stake, making them aware of our situation, and letting them know that we wouldn't be able to participate as a ma and pa couple for trek {which would be taking place in only 3 days!}. we felt terrible putting everybody in that kind of a bind, but we felt so much peace as the Spirit confirmed to us that we had made the right decision.and so there it was, our secret was out.

dear sweet baby, we dream about you all the time.

we talk about you, and wonder about you, and anticipate {more than anything else} your arrival.

we are so excited for you to join our family. in fact, when i first told your brother and sister about you, they both screamed at the top of their lungs...and then, of course, i joined in too.

we pray for you, and hope with all of our hearts that this is really it, that the time for you to join us is now.

if everything goes according to plan, you should make your great debut mid-february of next year.

i can't think of a better valentine's gift, my love.

i just know my heart will be bursting at the seams.

all the love in the whole wide world,

mom

birthday burgs

2011-06-06T16:42:00.000-07:00

may 24th, 2011

ruby got to celebrate her birthday today with her teacher and classmates {since her real birthday is during the summer}. we had known for awhile about this day, and that she'd be able to pick out any treat she wanted to bring and share with her friends. she saw a picture of these little hamburgers online one day as i was looking at a craft blog, and literally begged me to make them for her birthday treat. i laughed that more than cookies or cupcakes, brownies or pizzookies {all things we had originally talked about}, she wanted these little cookie burgers. i obliged {i mean, how can one deny the request of the birthday girl?} and surprisingly, they turned out pretty cute...and pretty good, too {yes i may have helped myself to a birthday burger...or two}.

party bed...

2011-06-06T16:30:00.001-07:00

may 20th, 2011

i don't want asher getting too used to the party bed {aka mom and dad's bed} like his older sister has, because that has been a hard habit to break...

but i guess i don't mind if it's every once in a while...for instance, when he hits his head so hard, he passes out, or on the rare occasion that daddy's out of town {well sometimes it's not so rare}, and mom needs some extra company.

and i swear, there is nothing more perfect than a couple of sleeping children.

they always looks like angels, no matter what kind of heck they raised during the day...when they're asleep, they appear so angelic.

wouldn't you agree?

tonight i'm so incredibly thankful for my two sleeping angels.

34

2011-06-06T14:22:00.000-07:00

may 25th 2011

john did a much better job with my birthday than i did with his - despite my best intentions and efforts. he took a couple of hours off of work, mid-day, and we headed back downtown {second time in two days} to the arizona science center and used the tickets i had gotten him for his birthday. we then hit up a fun restaurant that my friend, diana, had suggested called the duce. it was a really low-key local place with a cool urban vibe. they had free valet parking, great retro clothing and decor, and yummy organic food...but my favorite was probably the cute little vintage soda and pie bar. loved it. very cool. i highly recommend it to anyone who happens to be in the downtown phoenix area.

john had to get back to finish up his work day, but that night we went out as a family to five guys {he knows it's one of my favorites...atta boy}.the plan was to hit up coldstone for dessert, and then drop the kids off with the baby-sitter while we headed out for a late night movie...but...after giving it much thought, we concluded that we were just too full for dessert... and too tired for the movie.we thought it best to head home, get the kids in bed, and then have another go at the redbox movie we had rented for john's birthday, yeah the one during which i so rudely fell asleep after only 30 minutes. we got in bed, snuggled up together...and what would you know?i made it about 10 minutes, and was out.
turning 34 is really taking it's toll on me.and that's pathetic.

a 32nd birthday flop

2011-06-05T20:36:00.002-07:00

may 23rd, 2011

i wanted more than anything for john to feel special this year on his birthday. poor guy has always had to share his special day. growing up, it was with his twin {and their other brother - who's birthday is the very next day}. and then he met me and added yet another person to share his birthday with {mine's just two days later}. now i want to make this very clear, john certainly has never complained about being a twin or having to share his special day with anyone else, but still, i've always thought that everyone deserves their very own day to be honored and spoiled rotten. i do my best to accomplish just that every year for my sweet john. this year was a struggle, though. money's a bit tight, so he asked me not to get him anything. seriously, john? do you really think i could let you wake up on your birthday...without a single gift? you don't know me very well then, do you?
i tried to honor his request by at least getting him some practical gifts. for instance, he travels a lot, and his once trusty suitcase just recently had gone kaput, so i got him a new one. he dresses up for work everyday, and it's tough for me to keep up with the laundering and ironing {especially the ironing}, so i took his shirts to the cleaners {they did a much better job with those perfectly starched creases that he likes than i could ever dream of doing myself}. we got him a couple other super practical gifts including some new dress pants {he's been wearing the same 5 pairs for the past 5 or 6 years}, and a few gift certificates to get the cars washed. i know, not the least bit exciting, but i know if i had gotten him an ipad {or anything else fun and frivolous for that matter}, he most likely would have returned it. i think he was pretty happy with his realistic, useful, and {in my opinion} super boring gifts.
i lined up a babysitter for that evening, and surprised him with tickets to see the body worlds and the brain exhibition that was going on at the arizona science center. unfortunately, we got all the way downtown, only to find that the science center had closed 30 minutes prior to our arrival. i'm not at all familiar with downtown phoenix, so i had solicited the help of my facebook friends in picking a place to take him to dinner. one of the restaurants was described as being a cute, romantic, 1913 bungalow, re-born into a brick oven pizzeria. {the description had me at romantic}. we headed over to the restaurant, which was everything and more that i imagined, the atmosphere, the ambiance...but our server was rude, and clearly didn't like us {what's not to like about us?}, so we were pretty anxious to leave the minute the food had disappeared from our plates. my next plan was to hit up a cute little place for dessert, but to my dismay, it too, was closed for the evening. so now what? we wondered. a movie? nothing showing for another hour and a half to two hours. we ended up deciding to redbox a movie that we had both been wanting to see, and headed home to watch it while we snuggled up in bed together...but after just 30 minutes or so, i was out cold. oh brother, if that isn't the story of my life.
my dear john, i had every intention of making your 32nd birthday special and memorable, but you know that things rarely turn out how i envision and plan, so i apologize if the only thing you end up remembering about this birthday...
is how bad it flopped.
i promise this is not a reflection of the way i feel about you.
i love you more than i can express in words...
and {thankfully} more than my ability to make you feel special on your birthday.

blessed

2011-06-05T19:08:00.000-07:00

may 19, 2001

last night while were were waiting for ruby and ava's dance class to finish, we decided to step outside the studio, and let the younger kids play.

we had only been out there a minute or two, when asher tried to pick up his friend emaline {who is taller than he is}, and ended up falling over backwards {little ems still on top of him}, and hitting his head pretty good on the pavement.

i quickly ran over to him, picked him up, and did my best to console him...

but he was completely hysterical.

a few seconds later, his whole body started to convulse, and then he went limp in my arms.

i fell to my knees in the grass, and put him down so that i could see what was happening.

just as i was lowering him onto the lawn, i watched his eyes roll into the back of his head, and then for a split second, he was out.

i screamed to my friend diana, but by the time she ran over, he had come to.

we both inspected the back of his head, but found nothing, and other than the fact that he was still crying pretty hard, everything seemed to be normal.

even though he seemed to be doing fine, john and i decided it would be best to have him sleep in our bed, just so that we could monitor him throughout the night.

of course, ruby wasn't about to be left in their bedroom all alone,

so the party of three in mom and dad's bed, quickly became a party of four.

asher slept next to me - and for a wiggly, squirmy, can't-hold-still-for-more-than-10-seconds-at-a-time, two year old -he did surprising well.

in fact, he stayed in the exact same position the entire night - didn't even shift a mere half of an inch.

quite the contrast from his almost 5 year old sister -who flips and flops, and tosses and turns, and kicks and punches, and squirms and rolls - all night long when she sleeps in our bed.

i woke up early this morning to go for a run, and couldn't help but notice the beauty of the sunlight as it peered through the large bay window and rested upon the faces of my beautiful sleeping family.

how did i ever get so lucky?

actually i prefer to use the term blessed.

because today, i feel very, very blessed.

problem

2011-06-05T17:48:00.004-07:00

i have such a problem of starting things...but then never completing them. i can't count the number of unfinished projects and crafts i have sitting out in my garage. i should just haul them off to goodwill {or the trash can} because let's be honest, i'm never going to get around to finishing them.
i just signed into blogger, hoping to write a little something about ruby turning 5 yesterday {still can't believe how fast my baby's growing up} only to discover that i have somewhere around 10 posts from the past couple of weeks that are still sitting in the draft stage. i decided that rather than treating them like all those half-finished craft projects sitting out in my garage, i should just do something about it. so it's decided, tonight i'll be playing a little catch-up...and then maybe tomorrow i'll post something about how my baby girl is growing up in the world.
did i mention that i'm a bit of a procrastinator too?

the sun that dried up all the rain

2011-05-31T20:08:00.009-07:00

i have to tell you about my sweet friend, jenelle. i've never actually met her in person, but i consider her such a dear friend. a couple of years ago, she somehow came across my blog. she would comment here and there, but i'll never forget the day i got a comment from her about her sweet baby girl who had just gotten bit in the face by a dog. it was almost eerie how much the situation resembled what we had gone through with ruby just a year or so prior. she was wanting to get some advice, as well as some hope and encouragement; and so, through such a horrible experience, a friendship was born. several months ago, i got another email from her. shortly after reading all about my heartbreak over this most recent failed pregnancy, she found herself in the exact situation. our friendship grew even stronger as we helped each other get through, once again, another almost identical crisis. she is now expecting twins {again, so excited for you lady!!} we joked that since our lives have been so similar up to this point, maybe having twins will be my next "trial" too. i would love that. seriously, would love it!
so there's a bit of background for you...what we've been through, and how we became friends.
so i'll be the first to admit that yesterday was rough. it was really, really rough. i'm not exactly sure why either. it's been almost 15 years since my mom passed away, and nearly 6 since we lost isaac . so you'd think, i'd have this memorial day thing somewhat figured out by now. i don't know, though, like i mentioned in my last entry, my feelings from the moment i woke, were extra tender and sensitive, and thoughts of my loved ones were not only fresh on my mind, but also tugged at my heart. as the day went on, those feelings persisted, and even increased.
and then i got an email from jenelle, my sweet friend, jenelle. coincidentally, her grandfather is also buried in the salt lake cemetary, and just as they were heading out to pay him a visit, she read my blog. being the kind and thoughtful person that she is, when she stopped for flowers for her grandfather, she picked up two extras, with hopes of being able to leave them on my mother's and isaac's graves. when i got her email last night, i was in tears. i was so touched that someone {who never even knew me, no less} would take the time to do something so thoughtful and special just for me. there are millions of people buried in the slc cemetery...if you've ever been there, you'll believe me...it is huge. she ended up going to the cemetery office to find out where they were buried, which surprisingly, they were within walking distance from her grandfather. she was in the general vicinity, but still spent a considerable amount of time looking at each and every headstone, until finally, she found them. isaac's headstone was half covered from some construction that they had been doing nearby. so being the sweetheart that she is {and mind you, it was a cold and rainy day there in salt lake}, she found a grounds-keeper to help her uncover the dirt and debris from the headstone. and it doesn't stop there. she then, with a water bottle and some wipes, carefully cleaned both headstones, until they were spick and span. once they were clean, she told me, the rain stopped, and the sun came out from behind the clouds, shining bright. she even sent me pictures. what a Christlike person she is. just thinking of jenelle, most likely very uncomfortable being pregnant with her twins, bending down and washing the dirt from my family's graves, reminds me of the Savior, who on bended knee, washed the feet of his disciples. i am so touched. so humbled. and so especially grateful that in a world of turmoil and calamity, sin and selfishness, there are still so many good, humble, Christlike examples to look up to and be blessed by. i feel honored to call one of these, my friend. thank you, jenelle. i will never forget what you did for me on this, the most gloomy and dreary of memorial days.
you were my little sun that dried up all the rain.

in loving memory

2011-05-30T07:44:00.008-07:00

i woke up this morning with tender feelings in my heart for my loved ones - particularly my mom and our sweet baby boy, isaac - who are no longer with us, and both of whom i miss terribly.
i picked up a bouquet of fresh flowers, and in lieu of leaving them at their graves {which would be nearly impossible since they're both buried in the salt lake city cemetery} i just put them in a vase on our kitchen table.
every time i walk by them, i take a moment to reflect and honor the individuals they represent. i'm so grateful for our Heavenly Father's plan which enables family relationships to be perpetuated beyond the grave.
ruby asks all the time to hear stories about her grandmother and her big brother. i look forward to the day when these stories will become her reality. i can't think of anything sweeter than the reunion that will one day take place...a glorious and sweet reunion between mother and daughter, parents and son, brothers and sister, grandmother and grandchildren.
until then, though, i will cling to the memories...and the stories...and the commemorative flowers...and the tender feelings of my heart.

catching up

2011-05-28T19:44:00.007-07:00

what is up with this waiting a week in between posts business?

if i didn't have good reasons for this, i would consider it completely unacceptable.

but life has been crazy and busy, and fast, and my calendar has been full, and every second of every day has been scheduled out...and completely packed...and whewww...i need a nap just thinking about it.

so i decided to cut myself a little slack in the blogging department, and just do my best to catch up...and stay on top from here on out.

we'll see how that actually goes.

here's something for starters.

john was out of town last weekend, and left me all alone to deal with this sucker...

he was in the kitchen sink.

i noticed him while i was making breakfast for the kids, and about died.

i honestly don't know how to handle things like this on my own.

this isn't the first time we've found scorpions in our home, but this is the first time i was going to have to dispose of something so disgusting all on my own...

and really by disgusting, i mean big.

i've killed a couple of others by myself, but they were teeny tiny babies, so on both occasions, it felt more like having to kill an ant.

this one was a decent size though, and i just worried about trying to smash it in the sink, and missing, and then having it jump on me or lunge at me.

i'm not even really sure if they can do that, but i wasn't willing to take that risk.

after about 10 minutes of watching him try to figure a way out of my sink,

i decided that trapping him in a glass, sliding a magazine under him, and taking him outside

{to then smash him to smithereens}

would be the best option for me.

after i captured him, i had to break out my ugg boots.

what did it matter that it was 100 degrees out?

i had to protect my feet and legs in case my accuracy was...well, not all that accurate.

i really was worried i'd miss him entirely.

my aim has been off before.

thankfully, i did ok though.

i got him good.

and i didn't just stomp on him either.

no.

i stomped him to pieces, and then i smeared him with my boot.

in fact, he was beyond recognition when i was through with him.

that should teach him and his kind never to mess with me again, right?

let's be honest though, i'm still shaking in my boots {quite literally} about the whole ordeal,

and fearful that history will repeat itself {despite all the money we spend on pest control}.
because some things just never change.

and finding scorpions in my house, sadly, is one of them.

singing {and dancing} her little heart out

2011-05-20T21:21:00.005-07:00

remember when i blogged about this? it's hard to believe it's already over. ruby had such a fun time in her singing class this year, and this past saturday she had the chance to show us everything she's worked on and learned since january. she's come a long way since last summer, and even since their christmas show just 5 months ago. john and i got the biggest kick out of watching our little girl ham it up on stage. it was great to see her doing what she does best... singing {and dancing} her little heart out.
check out these poses...

ruby with her two friends, elsie and blair
loving her flowers from her daddy

i did my best to scale this. it was originally about 20 minutes...but i know that no one {not even grandma and grandpa} would want to watch it in it's entirety {as cute as it is}.

this little medley is worth watching. super cute.

luau

2011-05-18T22:12:00.003-07:00

as the 2nd counselor in the bishopric, john is responsible for the planning, overseeing, and carrying out of all of our ward activities. about a month ago, he met with a couple of polynesian families in the ward, and together they planned what was to be our next ward function...a luau! last saturday night we were able to see all their planning and hard work come to fruition. the luau was a hit, complete with a roasted pig, tiki torches, polynesian dancers, hawaiian attire, sea shells, and great music from the islands. a nice soft breeze complimented the colorful hues in the sky as the sun fell below the horizon. it was perfect. absolutely perfect. the only thing that would have made it better, was if we could have transported the ocean to the church parking lot. or, better yet, transported the parking lot to the ocean {i could really use a trip to hawaii right about now}.

i thought ruby was breathtaking. i couldn't stop staring at her all night. her cheeks were rosy from being at the pool earlier in the day, and her little blue hawaiian dress {great goodwill find} made her big blue eyes sparkle and pop. such a little beauty. brother and sister schwenke {elfie and eddie...isn't that just the cutest?} did so much of the planning and preparation. elfie and her sister spent a great deal of time on the food {which was very authentic, i might add}. and eddie provided some of the entertainment. the kids were in awe as he demonstrated the art of cracking and de-husking a coconut.
poor little wilbur didn't stand a chancei had to include a few photos of the centerpieces i made. it wasn't easy trying to come up with something on the budget i was given {about a dollar per table}, but i thought they turned out pretty good. the only problem was that perfect breeze i mentioned earlier...turns out it wasn't so perfect for those poor votive candles.

we were watching our nieces and nephews for the weekend so we brought some of them along. too bad we had to be there two hours beforehand for setup. i think they were all luau'd out before the luau had officially begun.

there were about 400 in attendance, which was probably more than we've ever had at a ward function.

the koloamatongi's in our ward {sister tina koloamatongi is pictured above in the bottom right photo. she is at the far right} did so much to make this happen...from the food, to the entertainment, and everything in between. their tongan ward was dissolved a few months back, so they started attending our ward. it was so much fun getting them involved and being about to share in some of their culture. they are an amazing family.

here's a little peek at the night's entertainment...

in short, it was great food,
great entertainment,
great weather,
and great company.

so, great job on your first activity, john.

and to everyone else, get ready to trade in those lava-lavas and moo-moos for cowboy boots and bolo ties,
because next up: it's a hoe-down he'll be throwin' down.
yee-haw!

the good the bad {and the ugly}

2011-05-11T14:30:00.000-07:00

it's taken a few days for the dust to settle, but i think i'm back to loving my little asher as much as i did before he made me ~~cry~~ bawl my eyes out on mother's day. oh man, this little guy has figured out how to work his mother. he knows every button to push; and - sad to say - he also knows the weak spots, the sore points - the ones that when provoked, can evoke the biggest emotional reactions. he messes with these a lot. some days i let it roll off my back. but other days, well, other days i just can't do that. some days, {like on mother's day} i really take his behavior personally. i start to wonder where i must've gone wrong as his mother. i question myself, my parenting...my discipline techniques. some days i am at a complete loss. and it's that utterly hopeless feeling that triggers the tear ducts every time.

sunday morning all ruby could talk about was how excited she was to sing to me in sacrament meeting. she had learned the songs perfectly, and in practicing, sang them just as beautifully.

we got to church early so we could get a seat right up front. i wanted to have the most perfect view of my little singing angel.

we hadn't been sitting more than 30 seconds, when asher started throwing a fit because i wouldn't let him go sit on the stand with his daddy. he screamed daddy, daddy, and then made a quick escape from our pew and b-lined straight to his father. i chased after him, caught up with him, grabbed a hold of him, and out the side exit we went. i knew a quick escape to the foyer {five minutes prior to the commencement of the meeting} was a bad, bad sign. i let him take 15 drinks from the drinking fountain, and after having a very serious and firm talk with him, we made our way back inside. but things just went downhill from there. he was crawling under pews...going from this lap to that one. running across the isle. climbing up on the benches. standing on the hymnbook holders. throwing tantrums on the ground. and then it was time. the primary children were called up for their special mother's day songs. asher screamed when i wouldn't let him go. he screamed and screamed and screamed. asher please no. no asher shhhhh. not now. please, please, asher please, be quiet . please. but to no avail. i grabbed him - but rather than exiting, and missing the songs altogether - we walked to the back. he wouldn't let me hold him though. he screamed until i put him down, and then he ran. he took off, and ran, and led me on a goose chase around the cultural hall. i felt ridiculous. my face was hot, my eyes started to sting, and i could feel a colossal lump creeping up in the back of my throat. oh no, please, don't cry. i finally caught up to him, grabbed a hold of him, and out we went. exit #2 to the foyer. i was going to miss ruby's songs. i couldn't believe it. i was going to miss her songs. and that's when the tears really came. first from embarrassment, and then it was sadness. it made me so sad picturing ruby singing to an empty pew, where just moments earlier, her mother and brother had been sitting. the more i imagined the scene, my sad tears turned to angry tears. i was so angry at asher. and i was angry with myself for having feelings of anger towards my own son...on mother's day, no less. i sobbed, huge, giant, ugly tears. i cried because i was embarrassed for myself, because i was sad for ruby, and because i was angry at asher. {that's three strikes, momma, you're out.} but i was not about to give up. i had one more solemn talk with him that went something like this: we are going back in there, we are going to be quiet, we are going to sit still, and we are going to listen. then firmly and immovable, we walked back in, sat down, and within 30 seconds, he was flat on the floor kicking and screaming. that was it. defeated, deflated, and devastated, we made our 3rd exit, but this time we marched our way through the foyer, out the doors, into the parking lot, straight to the car, and sped all the way home. now we were all crying.

when we got home, i put asher to bed {i told you he spends a lot of time there}, then i changed into my sweats, put my hair up in a bun, and lay on the sofa where i continued to cry. my sweet, {and perceptive} ruby, snuggled up to me, wiped every tear from my eyes, and repeated over and over, i'm so sorry mom. and then she colored me a special picture while i read from jeffrey r. holland's created for greater things and cried some more.

john called {he had know idea any of this had happened until my friend, sarah, filled him in at the conclusion of the meeting} and when he heard the despondency in my voice, he was home within minutes. i love a man who has his priorities in order. i should have been in primary, conducting and giving a presidency message, and heaven only knows where john should have been. but instead we were both in our pajamas, on our sofa, and in each other's arms.

then john and ruby opened up a spa. ruby called it the foot-spread spa. john called it spa r.a.d. {ruby asher dad}. they decided it would be open for business every sunday, and that i would be their one and only customer. mother's day was the grand opening. it was wonderful. they rubbed my feet and massaged my legs, and then {the best part} they warmed damp towels in the microwave, and wrapped them tightly around my legs. when a towel became cool, it was immediately replaced with a fresh, hot, steamy one.

john made me a delicious roast dinner {so tender, juicy, and full of flavor) with carrots and potatoes, and homemade pizzookies for dessert.

that evening i rolled around on the ground with my children, and we laughed as we wrestled and played. and then i thought to myself, this is really what it's all about. it doesn't get much better than this, does it?

i suppose i would never have come to that realization...had it not been for the day's challenges, struggles, and tears.

for how can one truly understand pleasure without ever knowing pain? or good health having never been sick? or appreciate the sunshine if never a gloomy cloud had hovered overhead?

i love something jeffrey r. holland said:

a life without problems or limitations or challenges - life without "opposition in all things, " as lehi phrased it (2 nephi 2:11) - would paradoxically but in very fact be less rewarding and less ennobling than one which confronts - even frequently confronts - difficulty and disappointment and sorrow.

so that's where my title the good and the bad comes into play...and the ugly part? well, i just threw that in there for fun. it represents my ugly cry...and my ugly tear-streaked face that so many unfortunate souls had to witness on sunday. sorry everyone, but i can't promise you'll never see it again. i have a feeling this is going to be a long {hard but wonderful} couple of years.

simple pleasures

2011-05-10T16:33:00.007-07:00

look at these great headpieces the children fashioned from random items lying around the house.
who would have ever imagined that the packaging from my anniversary gift would make such a stellar hat?...one asher would parade around in for the better part of the day.
and with just a headband and a couple of pipe cleaners, ruby's hand-crafted bunny ears provided her hours of entertainment.

i love how children can find pleasure in some of life's simplest...
and {seemingly} most uninteresting things.

tithing

2011-05-10T13:57:00.002-07:00

our family home evening lesson last night was on tithing.

ruby had earned a dollar {by reciting her rap} from her cousins, karen and morgan.

besides a random nickel or dime here and there, it's the first real money she's ever earned.

we figured it was time to teach her what the Lord expected her to do with it {or at least with part of it}.

we explained to the children that the law of tithing requires that we give 10% of our increase to the Lord.

this money goes towards building new churches and temples, and lesson manuals, and teaching supplies, and so forth.

ruby was pretty impressed, and excited to be able to start making her own monetary contributions towards building the Lord's kingdom.

asher wasn't too interested in the topic at all.

in fact, after throwing a toy train at my knee cap, and then standing up and hitting his father in the face, he was sent to bed.

it's a good thing he really loves his bed, because he sure spends a lot of time in it.

we used various methods in helping ruby understand that 10% is 1/10th.

it's difficult getting a 4 year old to grasp that.

i think the m&m method proved to be her favorite, especially because she got to use them to garnish her ice cream sundae for dessert.

she filled out her very own tithing slip and then put her coins inside of an envelope.

she expressed her excitement at being able to hand her tithing to the bishop on sunday.

john explained to her that the law of tithing is something she can be abolutely perfect at throughout her life.

because she is human like the rest of us, some of the other commandments will be harder to follow with exactness, and she will end up making some mistakes.

yeah, she said, like when we sit on a chair backwards, that's a huge mistake.

oh ruby, you are too dang cute and innocent.

we miss her

2011-05-08T21:58:00.004-07:00

i won't go into too much detail {at least not today} about how my mother's day expectations were vanquished by a certain, nameless, two-year-old.

i will, however, leave you with this photo. ruby admires the grandmother she never got to meet, and asks me if i miss her. of course i do, ruby. every. single. day. she's my mom. wouldn't you miss me if i passed away?
yes she said, i would, and i miss her too, because she's my grandma.

happy mother's day, mom.we {both} miss you.

ruby's mother

2011-05-06T21:45:00.004-07:00

i was invited to attend ruby's spring program this week. as i sat in the crowd and watched my little preschooler perform, i felt honored and proud. honored to be a mother...proud to be ruby's mother.

i cried, too, as i sat there and watched.i cried because the program touched my heart.i cried as i imagined the many hours that went into it.i cried because the children were so sweet.i cried because this school year's coming to an end.
i cried because i'm a mother.i cried because i'm ruby's mother.
no she didn't rap it, but she did a great job.

in the program, the children honored mothers for all the different hats that we wear.

besides the referee mother, there was a chauffeur, a chef, a gardener, a maid, a detective, a nurse, a wonder-woman, a combat mother, and an angel mother.

all the songs were so tender and sweet.

i was so proud of the children for being able to learn them so quickly.

miss arlene should be the primary chorister in her ward {if she isn't already}.

speaking of miss arlene, ruby absolutely adores her.

she really is wonderful.

i owe her so much for not only teaching ruby,

but for loving her,

for taking a special interest in her,

and for helping her thrive and succeed in her program.

each child made their mother a special {and very, very heavy} gift.

ruby didn't want me to wait until mother's day to open mine.

she forced me into opening it the minute we walked through the front door.

{alright, i'll admit, i protested very little (ok, not at all). i was way too anxious to discover what could possibly weigh so much}.

it had never occurred to me...

a garden stone.

how clever.

i love it, and will cherish it always.

it's a special reminder to me that ruby is my daughter...

and that i am her mother.

diapers galore

2011-05-06T15:17:00.003-07:00

asher had a stinky diaper this morning,
so i asked him to go and grab a clean diaper, the wipes, and a plastic bag to dispose of the dirty diaper.
he ran off to his bedroom in pursuit of the supplies, and came back with all of this.

he must have really wanted that poop off of his buns.

perfect love

2011-05-04T20:23:00.005-07:00

i remember when my mom and dad celebrated their seventh wedding anniversary. i was six years old. my dad gave my mom 7 roses and a music box that played somewhere in time. it was my mom's favorite movie because it was so romantic. on the flower enclosure card, there was a poem that my dad had written just for her. i wish i could remember that poem. after the roses had become brittle and withered away, my mom placed the small 3"x2" card inside the music box. and there it remained for years. i would often open the music box and read the poem and dream about finding a love just as perfect as theirs.

now, 28 years later, i celebrate my own perfect love. today marks the seventh anniversary of the day i married my best friend and sweetheart. the happiest day of my life. the best decision i ever made.

this morning as we lay snuggled tightly in each others arms, john asked if i wanted to know his five favorite things about me.
of course, who wouldn't!?

1) you're just as beautiful now as the day i first laid eyes on you. awww.
2) you're the best mother in the whole world. awww.
3) you're the best wife in the whole world. awww.
4) you have the strongest testimony of anyone i know. awww.
5) i have the most fun laughing with you than with anybody else. awww.
now we all know that these things are far from the truth. i am not the perfect wife, mother, etc. that he made me out to be. but you know what? i truly believe that john was sincere when he shared his sentiments. i know that they came from his heart.he makes me feel like, although i am not perfect, i am the perfect one for him.and i couldn't love him more for that.
i didn't want to let the moment pass without sharing my five favorite things about him.
1) i LOVE your smile. it's the first thing i noticed about you the day that we met. and just on sunday as you were up on the stand conducting for the very first time, i saw it again. you have a contagious smile.
2) you are so patient and understanding. i know that i fall short in so many areas, but you have never been critical of me, in fact you have only ever praised me, lifted me up, and encouraged me.
3) you are the best father. our children absolutely ADORE you. the highlight of their day is when you walk in the door from work. this is something that appealed to me before we even started dating. that day your family came into nordstrom to visit you while you were working, your nieces and nephews just flocked to you. i knew in that precise moment, that you were going to be an amazing father.
4) i love the way you serve with your heart. in every capacity. love is your driving force. you are completely without guile and totally sincere. you do everything you do, because of love.

5) and you're as handsome as all get out.

and then we got to talking all about our wedding day. he told me that he was terrified i wasn't going to show up. funny, i thought. i never questioned whether or not he'd show up, my fear was that he'd walk out before it was all legal and binding, and leave me all alone at the alter.

i think we're both pretty grateful for that beautiful may 4th day of 2004, and that we both decided to take a chance on each other...on love.

it's been exquisite and lovely. even through the pain and tears. especially through the pain and tears.

happpy seventh, my perfect love.

a tale of the 3'2" bandit

2011-05-03T12:27:00.002-07:00

one upon a time there was a sly little boy named asher. he had quite a talent for sneaking into things and making off with stuff {many times from hard to reach places} without his mother's knowledge.
and then he would run and hide and enjoy, in secret, whatever it was he had taken. sometimes it was food from the cupboards. sometimes it was lipstick from his mommy's purse, or gum from his daddy's valet. on more than one occasion it was a knife from the kitchen. many times it was something belonging to his sister. more often than not, it was something held in high regard, or something very dangerous. this clever little boy had many hiding places. his favorite, being underneath the table in his playroom. his mother would find him in all sorts of spots though, sometimes crouched beneath the kitchen table, other times wrapped up inside a blanket. asher figured that if he couldn't see his mother, then naturally, she wouldn't be able to see him either. one day his mother noticed that the hidden bag of easter candy had gone missing. having a pretty good idea that her little asher was the culprit, she set out to find him. she didn't have much luck as she checked his usual hiding spots, but then she heard a crinkle and a crackle coming from her bedroom. she was very familiar with that sound, and immediately knew that her sneaky little asher was unwrapping some candy. asher, where are you? she called out, as she headed down the hallway and into her bedroom. she stopped just in time to hear two little feet scurrying hastily away from her. she followed the sound around the corner and into the master bathroom, where she found this...

asher? she continued calling out, asher, where are you? she ran to get her camera, but still continued calling his name. ruby, do you know where asher is? silently, she motioned for ruby to follow her back into the bathroom. they did their best to suppress their laughter, but it wasn't easy. seeing the boy wrapped up in a shower curtain, with his two little feet poking out the bottom, was beyond humorous. asher's mother and sister stood in the bathroom and resumed discussing his whereabouts. meanwhile asher was motionless;and aside from the occasional crinkle and crackle of candy wrappers which could be heard from inside the rolled shower curtain, he was silent. mother told ruby to take a look inside the curtain to see if by chance asher might be hiding there. asher's two feet began to shuffle. it was evident: he knew he was about to be discovered. aha! his sister shouted, as she pulled away the first layer of curtain.

knowing that he was just moments from apprehension, he clung to that shower curtain as if his very life depended on it.

the only thing separating ruby and her mother from the 3'2" bandit, was a piece of water resistant cloth; and as ruby grabbed a hold of it, then briskly and fearlessly yanked it away, a bewailing howl, a lamentation like nothing they had ever heard, pierced them {and their eardrums} to the very core. and there he stood {nothing like being caught red-handed} holding a bag of easter candy behind his back...while his mother and sister laughed and laughed.

asher then dropped the bag of candy, and being the tender sweetheart that he is, he fell into the arms of his sister {who just moments prior had been laughing and mocking him} seeking solace and consolation.

and they got along happily ever after {or at least for the next hour or two}.

the end.

easter overload

2011-05-02T15:49:00.003-07:00

i don't think i'll go into too much detail about easter this year.
the very thought is daunting and overwhelming.
i think the pictures are evidence enough that the day was wonderful.
there's nothing better than perfect spring weather, and enjoying a nice sunday afternoon with family.
wouldn't you agree?

the easter bunny sent the kids on a treasure hunt for their baskets. they had a wonderful time following their clues,
and we were so proud of ruby who read each clue all by herself.

9:00 church is difficult to get to, even when it's not easter...but it's almost impossible on easter morning.
we may have to check with the easter bunny and see if he wouldn't mind coming on saturday morning in the future.
i didn't even have time to trim my bangs, for crying out loud...it appears that i have a medium sized animal resting atop my head.

we had fun planting wheat grass for family night a couple of weeks before easter. we were so glad that they turned out, and that we were able to bring them to lori's to use as centerpieces for the dinner tables.
i also made pastel colored cupcake bites to bring.
ruby helped me by placing the m&m on top of every last cupcake.

the annual easter egg hunt in the costello's front yard

asher adores his uncles and cousins.
and i think it's safe to conclude that they're pretty nutso about him too.

the many faces of asher had everybody rolling

the kids love grandma judy and grandpa jerry.
we're always so blessed to have grandma judy in town every easter.

cousins asher and roman {just one month apart} were so cute together during the egg hunt.
asher shared his jelly beans with roman, and roman couldn't stop hugging asher. adorable.
i hope they always remain close friends.

camping and a girls' night

2011-05-01T20:31:00.003-07:00

as you most likely gathered from the video, john and asher went camping this weekend. friday night our ward held it's annual father's and son's campout. john, as the previous elder's quorum president in our ward had always {for the 4 prior father's and son's campouts} been in charge of the planning, organizing, and execution of this event. obviously not singlehandedly, but still, it was a lot of work on his part...making it literally impossible to try and take our sweet, but very rambunctious, little asher along. this is probably the first year he would have been old enough to attend anyway, and since john didn't have to be running around like a crazy person this time around, it made it even more enjoyable. they both had a wonderful time, in fact, asher keeps asking when they can do it again; and john particularly enjoyed the one on one time he was allowed with our sweet little boy.

meanwhile, ruby and i took advantage of our freedom, and went out on the town. we got pedicures (ruby's very first) with ella and brooke, and then hit up cafe mix where the girls each ordered a cheeseburger and brooke and i both ordered their delectable greek salad with chicken kabob. the girls were so cute together and so fun to go out with. and of course, i loved spending time with my sweet sister-in-law as well.brooke and ella dropped us off around 8:30, and ruby and i decided that since the night was still young, we should hit up a late night movie {which would put us getting home around midnight...and surprisingly enough, we walked in the front door exactly at the stroke of 12:00}. we changed into some comfy clothes, picked up a bunch of movie candy, grabbed our harkin's movie cups, and headed out. the movie we wanted to see was no longer playing for the evening, so we found something else - in retrospect probably not the best idea to take a 4 year old {turning 5 in a month. see i'm really trying to make myself feel better about all of this} to a movie about a girl whose arm gets nabbed by a shark. swimming lessons this year, i fear, may be even more of a challenge than they have been. ruby later asked me if there were shark's at big surf, and then didn't even want to go pick out an outfit in her bedroom for fear that a deadly shark might be lurking in the shadows and ready to strike at any moment.seriously, what was i thinking?

the highlight of the night for me {that i got to relive over and over} was each time that ruby expressed her love and gratitude to me for being such a wonderful mom {her words, not mine}, and for doing all of this for her. isn't it fun doing nice things for your children, especially when you know that they really and truly appreciate it?makes me look forward, all the more, to our next girl's night on the town.

*from left to right, top to bottom:
ruby and i soaking our feetruby barley able to soak her feet and sit in the chair at the same timeruby's feet getting prepped for polishinganother shot of ruby practically lying across the chairthe finished productsruby being carried to the dryer (now that's true customer service)the two of us at our late night moviewe got home super latebrooke and ella getting pampered

two people in love

2011-04-30T20:20:00.003-07:00

we attended a family reunion today. it was a very long reunion {5 hours to be exact}. there were a few awkward and uncomfortable moments, mostly having to do with a couple of far from interesting {and very lengthy} slide show presentations - but also a handful of funny family stories, some good entertainment, contests and activities for all ages, prizes, and a potluck...you know, the all the typical family reunion hoopla. as i sat and gazed around the room, and as my eyes beheld the sea of people in colored t-shirts, i couldn't help but feel a love for each of them {most of whom i've never met}...because all of us, in some way, some very special and important way, were connected. my eyes welled with tears as i reverenced and awed the sweet twosome that started it all. the different colored t-shirts we wore represented each of charlie and zina dana's 5 son's {one of which happen's to be the grandfather of my sweet john}. i wonder, on that spring day in april of 1908, as the two of them exchanged vows under a mulberry tree, if cute charlie and his little love-bird, zina, had the slightest idea of the legacy they would leave to their future posterity. and when they brought home their first son, ferrel, did they even consider that this would be the beginning of something that would go on forever? even long after the two of them were buried deep in the earth?joe dana was their third son, john's grandfather. i met joe several times while john and i were dating. he was a strong and stalwart man. faithful beyond measure and valient. an example to everyone privileged enough to know him. he passed away just two days before john and i were to be married. he had hoped to make it to our temple sealing, and i know that he was in fact there. i sat at the reunion today and thoughts of these things carried me away. i then tried my best to add up the number of descendants that came from just joe and dora alone. i counted in my head close to 200 people...i'm sure there are even more than that. and those are just the descendants of one of charlie and zina dana's sons. just one. those in attendance today, i'm guessing represented, at most, a small fraction of the entire group. a family tree with hundreds and hundreds of branches, that at one time started with only two. it made me think of that cheesy cliche saying, you know, the one that says...all because two people fell in love.
crazy to think that in a hundred years from now, hundreds of peeps could be gathered together honoring and remembering john and nicole eagleston.
kind of a mind boggling and exhilarating thought.

it's a wRAP

2011-04-27T21:37:00.006-07:00

ruby has her preschool spring program coming up. each of the students in her class has been given a small speaking part to have memorized in time for the program. miss arlene sent those parts home last week {or maybe the week before, it's all a blur} with each of the children. ruby and i didn't waste a second. immediately we read over her part, and began the process of learning it. for whatever reason, despite the fact that she is very good at memorizing poems and songs and whatnot, she experienced some difficulty in learning this particular speaking part {small as it was}. in hopes that she would learn it quickly, and at the time thinking it was a rather good idea, i began rapping it. i was right, it worked. those words stuck in her head like any good hip-hop song will...problem is, now i can't get her to recite it any other way. i'm sure her teacher just thinks we're absolutely cuhRAYzy. well i guess it's about time that she {and the rest of you out there} learned the truth...

this one's my favorite. notice how much amusement asher gets from my soft, doughy tummy.

i'm falling behind

2011-04-27T19:24:00.008-07:00

i can't catch up.
and i'm not just talking about the blog either.
it's me. it's my life. it's my home, and my garage, and just pretty much my everything.
life is beating me up {in a good way...no need to worry...it's just busy is all}.
and no matter how hard i try to grab hold of it - you know, to get a handle on things - i invariably fall three or four steps behind.
always.
it must be me.
it has to be something i'm doing {or not doing} to myself, and so i guess unless i make some major changes, i think my life will always feel this way - which isn't necessarily a bad thing, but a crazy thing, no doubt.
and i don't exactly want to live the rest of my life feeling like a basket case.

just today, as a case in point, we colored easter eggs.
wait. isn't it? three days past easter?
i'm telling you, this is the story of my life.
always a good three or four steps behind.

last year we tried the silk tie method of coloring our eggs; and were so pleased with the results, that we decided to attempt it again today...of course without forsaking the traditional {colored tablets in vinegar} approach.

to my utter astonishment, things were going rather well...

that is...

until asher crushed the heck out of one of his eggs,
and then managed to spill blue dye all over my rug.

that was it.
without hesitation, i quickly {and excitedly} unstrapped him, removed his little apron, and put him straight to bed.
am i just the meanest?

then ruby's friend came over, and our coloring fest went downhill from there. no longer was coloring easter eggs with mom, the cool {or even fun} thing to do. the girls ran off in pursuit of bigger and better things, and that left me...

all alone.

all alone {aside from my little green egg friend}, with 12 empty bowls of colored dye, a soiled tablecloth, a stained rug, a sink full of egg coloring dishes...and, sadly, lacking the desire or energy, to do a darned thing about it.

in a nutshell

2011-04-21T23:23:00.009-07:00

i wake up early and head out for my daily run.
i get ruby up and ready, and after our morning prayer as a family, asher and i stand at the front door and bid farewell to ruby and dad.

we finish getting ourselves ready for the day, and then head out the door. our destination(s)? target. michaels. walmart. i spend most the time wandering aimlessly up and down the isles, in and out of the fixtures,and then forget to buy the very things i went for in the first place. why? because i'm talking to my sister on the phone, and because i am the worst multitasker in the world. while we're in walmart, my raveging, chocolate loving, two-year-old, attacks the almond bark - packaging and all. this is a fun one to try and explain to the cashier.

it's finally time to pick up ruby from school. she comes out to the car wearing an adorable bunny mask - which she refuses to remove, and within minutes, is sound asleep.

we drive out to phoenix to my favorite baking and cake decorating store. i am not a baker, nor do i decorate cakes, but i could spend hours inside of ABC cake decorating. ruby is still asleep when we get there, so i decide to forgo spending hours inside. instead i park in the front and center spot {the one that can be see from anywhere in the store}, leave the car running, and make a mad dash for the one item i really need - being gone a total of one minute.

we then head to the airport to pick up grandma judy. her flight has been delayed, so we sit in the cell phone lot for close to an hour. thank goodness for solitaire - that hour felt like a mere minute.

we head straight to in-n-out with grandma. it's tradition. something that is not tradition {and i hope never happens again}...asher sprays his vanilla shake through a straw pointed directly at grandma judy. grandma laughs. a nice hearty, amusing laugh. although i know she is not amused.

we drop her off at lori's - where she'll be staying, and i put asher straight to bed.
naughty boy.

i spend the rest of the afternoon putting all that chocolate coating to use {making pastel-colored cupcake bites for easter}, while the children sit quietly on the couch {only in my dreams} watching toy story 2.

john walks in the door from work. i don't have dinner ready. surprise. surprise. it's 6:20 and i don't even have an idea in my head. i whip up a few turkey sandwiches along with some apple slices, and a cupcake bite for dessert. ruby's confused because isn't this lunch food mom? and after devouring his cupcake, asher begs for more muffins mom.

we spend the next couple of hours wrestling, and playing, tickling, and laughing... and then wind down with a few verses from the book of mormon - another tradition. ruby's heart melts when she finds a picture of mary holding the Christ child, and my heart melts as i witness the way she raptly studies the painting.

after the kids are settled, i head next door and visit with one of my dearest and sweetest friends.

as i now sit and contemplate the day, i realize that it was nothing amazing. not anything out of the ordinary per se. i'm tired, my feet hurt, and my back hurts. but i'm grateful. i'm grateful to my children for making life interesting and fun. i'm grateful to john for his devotion to his family, for providing for us. because of him, i feel safe. i'm grateful that ruby has a good teacher that she loves, and from whom she has learned so much. i'm grateful for my mother-in-law. we love to laugh together, and i love her like i love my own mother. i'm grateful for sisters. i'm blessed with 4 of the very best. i'm grateful for good, kind, and caring friends...and that i'm able to run {even though it's not always my favorite thing to do}...and that we have good food to eat {even if we sometimes eat lunch or breakfast for dinner}.
so there you have it, my day and my beatitudes...
in a nutshell.

blame it on the dog

2011-04-20T18:06:00.001-07:00

asher has been super into purses lately.

and i don't mean into like he enjoys rummaging through mom's purse

{because that's nothing new, he's always been into that}.

i'm talking, he loves purses, and actually insists on taking one with him wherever we go.

today he chose one of ruby's, which is in reality a cosmetic case that use to belong to me.

i told him that we'd be leaving in just minutes to get ruby from school, and that he had better pack his purse quickly, or he'd be forced to leave it at home.

i hurriedly grabbed my shoes, my phone, my sunglasses, and a 20 0z bottle of diet coke,

meanwhile ash grabbed his things;

and simultaneously, the two of us walked out the front door...

purses in hand.

it wasn't until we were headed home, two hours {and a trip to the mall} later,

that i was made privy {thank you, ruby} to the contents of asher's purse.

a toucan pencil topper

a silly band in the shape of a truck

a single sheet of notebook paper containing a scribbled design - probably created by asher himself

a few play tools

one of ruby's headbands

a fry's vip shopper's card

and a butcher knife from the kitchen.

yeah, you read it right...a butcher knife from the kitchen.

i about died.

how does this boy come up with these things?

and the fact that he's still alive, in spite of all the things he comes up with, is even more of a wonder to me.

i did my best on the car ride home to explain the dangers of carrying an open blade knife in one's purse.

i pleaded. i implored. and even disciplined.

but after all that, what does he do?

blames it entirely {along with his poopy diaper} on dix-d.

poor, defenseless little canine.

counterbalance

2011-04-11T23:39:00.006-07:00

john and i decided to take the challenge (given by my friend sarah) to run 100 miles in 100 days.
that's just one simple mile a day...but it's a heck of a lot more than we're doing right now
{which is nothing...in case you were wondering}.
We ran our first mile together as a family {tonight for FHE} at the junior high track.
i was so proud of my kids...especially ruby, who ran the entire mile, taking only one or two short rests in between. we were all sweating and feeling so proud of our accomplishment...

and then we came home and made pizookies for dessert.

we've got problems.

we really, really love him

2011-04-11T20:53:00.001-07:00

he comes to town bearing gifts for each member of our family.

he doesn't complain about having to sleep in the kids' room on a twin bed.

he doesn't mind being dragged out to the mall
{which i happen to know, is not one of his favorite places}
to get pictures of the kids in their easter clothes with the easter bunny.

{and after reading the sign prohibiting the use of personal cameras and other devices, he insists on paying for the pictures himself - and pays a ridiculous price for them, i might add}.

he squeezes in the back seat, between both kids and their car seats, and has a smile on his face the entire time.
{and the kids do too, because he tickles them incessantly, and they still beg him for more}.

he treats us to lunch...and carousel rides.

and then spends a nice chunk of his afternoon building volcanoes, reading books, crawling on the floor playing cars, and blowing bubbles with his grandchildren {in the freezing cold rain, no less}.

and then does the volcano all over again, because asher was asleep the first time.

he buys us dinner {five guys - my new favorite},
and joins us for a movie {true grit - my new favorite}.

and wakes up especially early on sunday morning to help me get the kids ready for church.

and pays an exorbitant penny for a plane ticket to arizona, to see his son-in-law {yes, my john} get put into the bishopric, and ordained to the office of high priest {say what?! yeah, this news merits it's very own post, wouldn't you say?}.

but THIS post is about my dad, because geez, what would i ever do without him?
and what would john ever do without his father-in-law?
and what would our children ever do without their grandpa?

{and how does that old saying go? behind every great man there's a great woman?
something like that?
well, my step-mom, lynell, IS the greatest.
i know she would have been right by his side, if she didn't have to be in new york running a festival.
in fact, i'm sure it was she who encouraged him to come, and maybe even gave him the idea of bringing gifts for each of us.
she truly is a sweetheart. i'll forever be thankful to my Father in Heaven for her, and for her continued love, encouragement, and support.}

we dropped grandpa off at the airport last night, and ruby cried the whole way home. and then in her bedtime prayer, she thanked heavenly father that her aunt angie is getting married this summer so that we can go to utah and see grandpa.

and then tonight, as we sat around the table for dinner, she looked at grandpa's empty chair, and again, she cried.

my mother-in-law, judy {who also came to town this weekend to support john - bless her heart}, always reminds me that it's a good thing to be sad when your loved ones depart...

because that means you really, really love them.

pre-trek trekking

2011-04-05T13:48:00.000-07:00

i asked ruby if she liked this picture of me and john.
she hesitated for a moment and said, well when i first looked at it, my brain didn't really like it.
what do you mean your brain didn't like it? i questioned.
i really like it, she went on, i really do. i think you and dad look great.
but my brain just saw it and said ewww.

our stake is doing a youth pioneer trek this summer. john has been called to be over all the ma's and pa's. it's a pretty big job. he and a few others from the trek committee recently held a mini-trek for all the leaders so we might know what to expect come june. we didn't go to the actual trek site for our mock run, instead we went somewhere much closer to home - a place covered with popular motorcycle trails. as a result, we {literally} crossed paths with several motorcyclists {and forest rangers asking for our permits, which we didn't have...oops}, who i'm sure thought we were completely our of our minds. a colony of people pretending to be from the mid 1800's - dressed in pioneer garb and pulling handcarts. in fact, i'm positive that their first impressions of us were in harmony with the thoughts going through ruby's head when she saw that picture. ewwww.

we are a peculiar people. but that's something i will forever be proud of, and always take as a compliment. i'm so excited to have this experience. not only of working with the youth - which i always love - but also because i know it will give me a better understanding of what our dear pioneer ancestor's had to endure...
if only just a glimpse.

april fool's day flop

2011-04-01T22:17:00.007-07:00

i thought i'd be so funny and trick the kids today by offering them styrofoam balls - dipped in chocolate.
totally backfired on me.
i mean, who would have thought they'd devour them the way that they did?
i take that back. i figured asher might. he's my child who loves chapstick and contact solution, and who voraciously inhales anything that goes into his mouth like it's the last thing he'll ever be given to eat.

i apologize for my annoyance in the video. i was laughing so hard, tears were streaming down my face.
poor ruby seems so confused.
i think next year i'll do chocolate covered brussels sprouts, or radishes.

on a different note, today we hit a record high temperature of 100 degrees.
no april foolsin' this time around.
it was a HOT one.

snuggle buddy

2011-03-31T22:44:00.004-07:00

whether it's bed time or nap time, she is THE BEST little snuggle buddy.
and i'll tell you one thing, the two of us {while snuggling} have been known to giggle harder than a couple of school girls, especially when it's supposed to be 'lights out'.
although i hope that some day she outgrows wanting to sleep in mom and dad's bed {every night},
i desperately hope she never stops snuggling with her mother.

az living

2011-03-30T20:50:00.006-07:00

we love living in arizona for so many reasons, but especially for it's gorgeous weather.
while our friends and family are scraping the snow off their cars back home in salt lake, we're sitting on the lawn watching a baseball game {in the 85 degree temps}. it just isn't fair, is it?
spring training is the best.
last year we hit up an A's game, this year it was the cubs vs. {our very own} diamond backs.
nothing like throwing down a blanket, and sitting around eating dogs, and nachos, and big tall ice-cold sodas, with the people who mean the very most to you in the whole wide world.
it's heaven.
and spring training wouldn't be spring training without all those sun bathers. in fact, i'd be willing to bet that more than half the lawn tickets were purchased by people who love the sun way more than they love baseball.
check out this bikini clad woman in the photo below. i was pretty impressed as she demonstrated her ability to multi-task. she was able to get a tan, watch the baseball game, and exercise, all at the same time. she was really working those legs while she was standing there cheering for the cubs. squats, leg lifts,
you name it, she was doing it.

we ended up bailing after about 4 innings because we were dripping from the heat. go ahead now, feel sorry for us now.
after all, AZ living can be pretty rough.

amazing

2011-03-29T22:49:00.008-07:00

we were running late this morning.
i was rushing to get myself and asher ready for a dr's appointment,
and john was jumping in the shower with the objective of being ready for work in 20 minutes flat.
that left no one to get ruby ready...except for ruby.
i told her to run fast and pick out an outfit.
i figured she would throw a fit because she hates going anywhere alone - even if it's just to her bedroom.
surprisingly, she complied, obliging dix-d {our vicious yorkie guard dog} to accompany her.
she came back a few minutes later, looking like this.
not only did she pick out her own outfit, but she fixed her own hair too.she was so proud.she came back into my room - totally beaming - and said, mom, isn't this the most amazing hair-do? everything inside of me wanted to say no, it's a bit troubling, actually, {i'm so grateful i didn't}.
alternatively, i smiled, and said,
it IS amazing ruby...and so are you.
{because she truly is.}

elizabeth and rosie

2011-03-27T16:49:00.002-07:00

i'd like to introduce you to elizabeth and rosie. ruby's babies.

we have had these pig hand-puppets for gosh, i'd say two years now...
so it's funny to me that ruby has just now discovered them.
over the past three days, she has taken a personal interest in their comfort and well-being;
and in fact, has hardly left their side.
she makes sure that their diapers are changed regularly, that they have food to eat, and that all other needs are being met.
yesterday she informed me that elizabeth had just thrown up, and that she had taken care of it already.
i told her she was a wonderful mommy.
on friday she and the piglets watched charlotte's web upon her request.
she told me that she thought her babies would like it since it was a story about a pig. you know? something they could relate to.
this girl kills me with her sense of humor and downright unimaginable...

imagination.